Don’t Hide…

Before I get into this blog post I would just like to emphasis this isn’t directed at anyone in particular. I try not to point fingers unless it’s absolutely necessary (and in the history of alifechangingjourney it’s only happened once). Many people are going to read this and immediately think to themselves:

“Oh My God! Tara is totally calling me out”…

And that is the absolute point of this blog. Not to point the proverbial YOU out specifically but to talk about something that so many of us do on this journey of life changes: Hide.

When we start out on this journey it can feel extremely lonely. The disappointment we feel in ourselves for having gotten to a place where we even have to think about a beginning can feel so overpowering we’re afraid to take the first step in the direction we know we want to go. We feel isolated in our fear. Alone in our frustrations. We think that no one would ever understand why we’re crying at the idea of moving our bodies in ways unthinkable and *GASP* possibly doing it in front of other people. We’re afraid of ridicule and laughter. Certain of side comments that consist of “too fat” and “what the fuck are they thinking?” Assured that the barrage of stares from strangers will occur the second we raise our heartbeats up from attempting to step up from our couches and out of our comfort zones.

Then something almost magical happens with the help of the social media; we find we’re not as alone as first thought. Oh sure maybe I have A LOT more weight to lose than you do or vice versa, but we’re discovering that we share the same trepidation on this new path we’re on. You’re frustrations over the scale match my anger over figuring out which “Plan” is right for me. You’re elation over earning your first pin from Weight Watchers matches my joy at walking into my first boxing class and actually surviving. We discover that beyond us, there are more. Many more.  Soon we’re following hundreds of people all on different paths but moving in the same direction: Forward.

Then…

Things stop going as “planned”. Life gets in the way and that forward direction starts to slow down. The elation of others begins to outweigh your joy at what your accomplishing. The success of others only reminds you of the failure of self. Or maybe you made it the the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and you’re not as motivated to push forward, move ahead, go after what you deserve. You keep up a facade but in truth, life is not going as you thought it should. Slowly and maybe without even thought you begin to hide. You don’t talk about your fears anymore because you think people won’t understand what it’s like to be a star only to fall from the sky and come crashing down to reality.  Maybe you’re hiding because everyone around you is doing exactly what you thought you should be able to do at this point in your life but it’s taking much longer to.just.get.there….

We’re so focused on trying to prove to one another how “good” we are at what we’re trying to do we forget that life is a struggle. That life is about feeling our emotions truly and honestly. It’s about saying to the persons we’ve shared any part of this experience with “This shit is hard my friend.” We’re afraid to say “Yes, in fact I was at goal weight but I’ve gained some back” or “Yes, I did run 3 marathons last summer but struggle to run 6 miles now” because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that just like anything that must be traveled there are going to be bumps, turns and directions in the road we weren’t anticipating.

It’s the one thing I love about my blog so much. For every “Oh Hell Yes!” there is a “Oh For Fuck Sake” to go along with it. For every “I Did It!!!!” there’s an “I Can’t” not too far away. The hardest thing I had to teach myself (with a lot of practice) is how to not hide no matter how badly I want to go unnoticed.

Someone on the last blog post commented on my use of language: “Even your language sounds like it’s taking a lot of effort. Focus on what you want instead of the effort of achieving it. Use more empowering language instead of “it’s hard and it takes a lot of effort… it’s a long ride etc”. The quality of our communication with ourselves and others determines the results we get in our lives.” And while I agree with what the reader is saying I also know that it’s because I am so forth coming in my emotions that being able to say honestly what I’m feeling allows me to move beyond more quickly and get back to business. This journey is hard. It takes a lot of effort. And the one thing I refuse to do is hide no matter how shitty I think it’s going. Everyday is a struggle to stay in the moment even long into “end of the rainbow” phase of my life.

Have you been hiding? Afraid to talk about the “downs” because everyone else is “up”? Afraid that people won’t continue to give you rockstar status because maybe your lifetime WW membership is now coming wth an added 30, 40, 50 pounds that you tried to hide? Afraid that the people of last year won’t know it’s you this year because the scale shows a different number? Afraid to say “I’m struggling because it’s hard and is taking a lot of effort” because you think others will look at you like a failure? Don’t hide. We need to hear your story. All chapters. No matter how bad of a read you think you might be, you are worth reading. Those of us that are struggling with our current journeys need to know that we’re not alone.

We need to know that this journey is worth taking.

No matter the outcome.