Ignoring this blog…

My laptop battery is about to run out. I have exactly one hour to spit out some words here that I’ve been putting off. Not because they’re so mind blowing I don’t want to invest in the tap tap tap of fingers to laptop to readers (all 6 of you) but because I just don’t seem to have the mental fortitude to sit still long enough to figure out what the hell I want to write anymore.

I have a constant barrage of “man that would be a great blog post” thoughts popping in and out of my noggin but lacking the focus to sit down and actually put something worth hitting the publish button. I can’t seem to stay on top of one idea long enough to engage myself let alone someone who might want to read what I’m writing.

I’ve gained some weight back. It’s fucking with me. More so because going back to crossfit and lifting heavy shit (at least heavy for me) means I’ve got some really kick ass muscles forming. I’m flexing in the mirror more than your Guido neighbor and I’m not ashamed to admit it. The problem? Muscle gain = weight gain. Weight gain = freak out. Don’t get me wrong, I know most people would say to me “but T, it’s muscle and not fat”…

Don’t care. Still fucking with my brain.

As of today the scale says 175.

Not 155 (too low)

Not 160 (just about right)

Not even 165 (where I think I’m the most happy)

Is my ass poppin from all the squats? Hell yes. Are my traps starting to rip all hot like? Hell yes. Do I need to think about getting a license for my concealed gun show? You betchya. But I’m no longer a 100+ lb weight loss story. No longer a triple digiter.

It sounds ridiculous but unless you’ve lost a significant amount of weight then the truth is you wouldn’t understand how even the smallest change in weight no matter how it happens can throw a wrench in your well working system.

So I’m gonna change things up a bit. Track food. Cut back on fats (add more carbs) and do something I haven’t done in a while: Run. Being a person with Aspergers means I like to get hyper focused on one thing. Crossfit has been that one thing for a few months now. Running before that. Now it’s time to try and combine the two. I’ve run a couple times this week and it feels pretty good considering how little I was running (read: not at all unless it was part of a WOD). They’re not double digits but even running the 5k(s) almost 10k feels better.

So plan of action is this: crossfit 3x’s/week run 2 x’s/week and never both in the same day (unless there is a little running in the WOD) and take the weekends off as working at Costco lifting heavy stuff and constantly moving means I’m still working out almost every damn day.

Gender shit is still gender shit.

I’m trying to advocate more for myself with my name preference. It’s automatic for me to introduce myself as Tara when I really want to be called T(ee). So there’s been a lot of *handshake* “I’m Tara”…pause. “But I prefer to be called T” happening. I still haven’t gotten comfortable with correcting people when they say Tara cause I feel like it’s being nit-picky. Again I know most people would say “but you should stand up for yourself” but changing my name tag at work to T(ee) and adding the second section to my own introduction to new people is kind of big right now so I’m gonna sit on that for a bit.

I’ve been throwing around gender congruent names in my head.

Hearing traditional boy’s almost constantly means I’m mentally trying them on like a new shirt. Trying to get a feel for them. Does it fit me? Do I feel like a Sean, or a Billy or a Tom? I have a name that sounds more comfortable than most and sometimes I think that just my thinking about a more male names means that maybe (just maybe) this trans shit is for real. I guess part of me wonders if I’ll wake up one morning and think “I don’t feel like a boy anymore” and run out and buy a new closet full of pretty neon colored dresses and lacy shit to wear underneath.

Sometimes I feel like my trans “stuff” isn’t trans enough. Like I’m supposed to pound my chest and proclaim my desire for cutting things off or changing documented paperwork in order for people to take me seriously…(and by people I mean take myself seriously).

Yesterday at work, while waiting to punch in, all the merchandising people were milling around the cash registers. All the girls crowded together. All the boys crowded together….I stood alone smack dab in the middle of the two groups because I didn’t fit in either group. Though I wanted to stand with the guys and shoot the shit I felt like I wasn’t guy enough. Like they’d look at me and wonder why I wasn’t standing with the other gender that my body still matches.

Funny because I’ve always felt this way. Confused in where I belong. I think now because I’m actively trying to put myself in a more congruent place it’s even more confusing. Sometimes I wonder if I should just make a decision. Be a fully transitioned transman and make the leap or just sit a little while longer and see where this all goes.

PS the name? Carver.

But for now I’m just gonna fold up that shirt to try on again another day.




6 comments to Ignoring this blog…

  • Wendy

    If you lost 100 lbs and gained back a few due to better fitness, I still consider you a 100 pound weight loss success. In fact, I consider you a sensation. And, a personal hero. I have yet to move the scale more than 10 lbs in my journey but I dont stop trying and I think I am more struggles than most.

    As for the label thing. I can’t say I understand because I dont, being cisgender and queer. But, perhaps you don’t need to be all trans or all not. I can certainly understand your wanting to be fluid as you evolve and not get too far into one identity while you work shit out.

    Maybe you are just gender queer or fluidly identifying as you want.

    Please be kind to yourself and just be yourself. And, if you want to go stand and shoot the shit with the guys…do it! You are a unicorn…show your horns. Be who you want to be. Fuck the boxes that society places on us.

    I’m a cisgender big boobed plus size tomboy who dresses in a feminine tradition. I want to stand with the boys too (but only if they aren’t talking sports) because I like saws, building things, bikes, and other things boys like (including girls). I constantly remind myself that it is okay to take up space wherever I want to and regardless of what anyone thinks because this is my world too and I have a contribution to make when I am in my place.

  • You’re such a tease – no pictures of the gun show? 😉

    I can relate somewhat to the name thing. When I was born my father wanted to name me Snow. Yes that would have made me a Snow White. Could you imagine? But thankfully I got the name Nicole that shortens nicely to Nic which is so much more fitting. Most of my friends started calling me Nic on their own years ago. When I meet new people I refer to myself as Nic except at work where I use my full name. I’m guessing mainly because I’ve worked with most of my coworkers for over a decade and changing things up now at work seems like such a bother.

    I’ve decided life is weird and/or cruel because I have the most ginormous boobs – I mean really why me? I have no need for boobs on my own body. They just hurt and get in the way and make my dress shirts gap when really I would just rather wear a men’s dress shirt and tie to work. Sigh…

    I really have no idea where this is all going.

    Just know you do not need to make a cut and dry decision right away or ever for that matter. Just let things evolve on their own. You don’t have to force a decision to satisfy society’s limited gender options. Forcing change prematurely before you are ready mentally/emotionally etc. can have negative and lasting consequences. Take as much time as you need to figure things out – but do it for you – not for everyone else.

  • […] a couple of years ago. Tara prefers to refer to herself as T which she explains beautifully in this post about gender identity and weight gain. Y’all that know me very well know that I am very attached to my Tuxedo cat Tennessee who prefers […]

  • […] a couple of years ago. Tara prefers to refer to herself as T which she explains beautifully in this post about gender identity and weight gain. Y’all that know me very well know that I am very attached to my Tuxedo cat Tennessee who prefers […]

  • […] a couple of years ago. Tara prefers to refer to herself as T which she explains beautifully in this post about gender identity and weight gain. Y’all that know me very well know that I am very attached to my Tuxedo cat Tennessee who prefers […]

  • Danielle

    I feel you on the weight thing. I had gastric bypass 18 months ago, and cried at my checkup with my surgeon today because I put on about 9 lbs after losing over 100. Then I have to stop and think–like you I started CrossFit two months ago. I also started taking Barre Classes. Yesterday, I went on a 7 mile hike/walk, which is something I would have never done 100 lbs ago. But I’m getting so wrapped up in the number on the scale. But it’s more than that. It’s straddling the line between plus-size and regular clothing. It’s not hitting my goal and feeling like it’s impossible now. It’s knowing that I could be eating better. So, again, like you, I’m going to start tracking my food again, and god willing I’ll move the scale in the other direction. Good luck T!

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