Car(T)ver

For a couple of weeks I’ve been wanting to sit down at my laptop and write some mind blowing blog about how to save the world from all that ails us. I’ve looked at my trusty (closed) laptop, collecting dust and think “Today is the day”…Only to find other things to occupy my mind and push blogging off for another day (week…month)

I’ve wondered if it’s time to pack in the old click click click of the keyboard and let the journey that is life changing settle along side the dust. Life is no longer about weight loss and depression. Days of training for Marathons/Triathlons/Walking around the block are sort of on hold and while I do miss stepping up to a starting line, I’m in a good place about it these days.

Red and I continue to take long hard looks at the food we’ve been eating and how it really does effect us not just physically (down to the cellular level) but also emotionally but do I want to blog about that? Not really. Cooking and posting the shit ton of pictures on IG (cause you know I do love the perfectly placed egg with the perfectly picked amaro filter) along with the daily IG post about struggling to hit the pavement or complete the necessary lifts without breaking down in the middle of my crossfit box and I find my need for blogging just not as important.

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend about this sort of general “lacking in the blogging community” and it got me thinking about it was like in the beginning. I always think there’s going to be this influx of “I’M GONNA LOSE THIS WEIGHT AND BLOG THE ENTIRE JOURNEY”. Someone, somewhere is sitting down to wordpress as we speak (or read) and trying to come up with the perfect blog name or how to come up with something catchy with the word “weigh” interchanged with “way” or whatever (weightever…see what I did there?). Then the weight comes off and the struggle to lose becomes the struggle to keep it off and then some where a long the line a few of us (because we all know the statistics) the struggle is no longer a struggle but rather just a way of life. It takes 21 days to form a good habit and after 1400+ days I’d have to say I think the habits are sticking around for good (#fingerscrossed – and sidenote; I love throwing out a hashtag where it’s not wanted).

So then the focus becomes something else and blogging just sort of dies down. For me the focus has become about gender. It’s one thing to realize at 40, it’s time to lose weight or die obese. It’s a whole other ballpark to realize that hidden under all that fat was some seriously suppressed gender shit and oh hey you’re not fat anymore so BOOM, now it’s time to get all confused about that body you’ve worked hard to slim down and make healthier.

I want to blog about it but this shit feels real personal. Being obese is personal of course. But it’s different. You can go out your front door and find camaraderie at your local gym. You can hashtag to your heart’s content and find like minded people to motivate/inspire you to do another pushup or run another mile. You can read blog after blog about all the feelings that you’re feeling while trying to decide between eating a whole pizza or going to the gym.

When I started losing weight I had a focus. A goal. Blogging helped me get there. I wasn’t afraid to talk about some pretty personal stuff because millions of people are trying to lose weight right this very moment and about half of them are going to understand exactly what I’m saying when I’m blogging about fitting into smaller clothes, dealing with food addiction, mental health and/or earning my first race medal with snot all over my t-shirt because I couldn’t stop crying that I’d actually finished.

Now I’m thinking about things like “should I buy a binder so that I can hide my boobs?” and “how is it possible that I can feel like a boy but start my fucking period?” I don’t have the same community I did losing weight because I’m not hyper focused to rush into a men’s restroom and show off my ability to pee standing upright (no I don’t have that ability). I look for people sharing my experiences and it’s like walking into a dark room with no light switch within reach. And even if I did find that very small community somewhere I’m not sure where I would fit it. How I feel today is not how I feel tomorrow is not how I felt a week ago wearing my fly as fuck bowtie and did you see how flat chested I looked in my sharp button down and vest (hellooooooooo Carver).

So blogging has to take another turn for me. It has to be really personal now. Sharing what may or may not be understood. My life changed when I lost the weight. It changes again as I figure out this gender stuff. This time it feels more lonely. Like words are thrown out but nobody is there to catch them. I’m not saying it’s not out there. I’m not the only biologically born female turned life-chosen-more-male-than-female-today-but-it-could-be-different-an-hour-from-now, out there. But I can’t go to my local non-existent trans gym and look around for like minded (like bodied) people. And even if I could, I don’t know that I would have the courage to go…

There’s a lot of “swimming up stream” with this whole (life changing) journey of gender-what-the-hell-is-going-on? Oppressing myself because I’m too confused in my noggin straddles the everyday oppression of just being a part of the everyday. I think that’s why it’s hard(er) to blog about it because at the end of the day there aren’t going to be too many people that can say “I remember when (insert random experience) happened to me and here’s what I did”. My friends/family support me beyond my expectations (another blog post I suppose) but there isn’t that understanding I seek.

Compassion?

yes.

Support?

yes.

The “I totally get it when you feel pissed off someone called you a lady because they looked at your boobs to figure out your gender and you’re fucking tired of being called a lady so maybe you should just cut off your boobs, take testosterone and call it a day“?

not so much.

 

 

 

4 comments to Car(T)ver

  • I’m not sure what to say or how to comment. I really have no advice but I am here, I read, I care, and I can give you a great, big, virtual {{HUG}} Don’t stop sharing ’cause this shit is important.

  • Like Roni, I am not sure what to say, I don’t know what you feel, or have any advice. I do read, I do care and I do want you to blog about it because it is important.

    And then there is a small little thought that I have…and I don’t know how to put it into words…but I will try. When I started to lose weight I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I tried all the ways, I lived with all the humiliation, unhelpful advice, weird stares at “you must be secretly lazy to be so heavy”, etc. And yet nothing worked. I ran, I ate better, I ate very little, I worked out more. It didn’t work. I didn’t lose weight and Nothing had made me feel ok in my own skin. And that is a shitty place to be. Only through blogging did I start to find people and niches and slowly some answers. I am unique…and I don’t lose weight the way others do…I had to find ME. And what works for me. And it is a process and what works today didn’t work yesterday and might work tomorrow and who the fuck knows…so it is all a process.

    So in some really small way…that starts to sound like some of what you typed. And yet I don’t begin to understand the issues you are wrestling with…but I want to…

  • Hey.

    Just wanted you to know that I’m here, reading along. I totally understand why blogging about this gender stuff feels so intensely personal. As someone who has never struggled with gender issues, while I can have compassion, I can never really understand what it feels like. However. I think that there are likely a lot more people out there who can closely relate to what you’re writing about than you think. I think it may take you some time to find like-minded people, I do believe that they’re out there. I think that by writing so openly and honestly about your experiences, you’re inspiring other people who are struggling to figure some things out on their own.

    As always, I completely admire the shit out of you.

  • Mary

    Please keep sharing everything that you’d like, T.

    Like Momma Sunshine, I will say that your struggle is not mine. But it doesn’t mean that the mechanics of struggling aren’t similar to all of us. Thank you for opening yet another door, T. I support you in this discovery as you’ve supported so many others in their weight-loss struggles.

    Please know that the fundamentals never change – you are a wonderful, compassionate person with the ability to share and communicate that most of us will never have. Regardless of what label someone else may attach to you, your essence remains.

    Thanks for the periodic posts. I always come away from one of your blog postings with new things to contemplate. Isn’t that a great thing, T…? You’re giving us new ways to look at the world around us – what a gift!

    All the best to you,
    Mary

Leave a Reply

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

  

  

  


*