So many things are coming to an end for us. After what seems like the longest three years ever and all that has encompassed our relationship (the accident, the pain, the recovery, the long ass legal battle) is about to be finished for good. Three years we’ve been waiting and jumping through hoops to appease the legality of the matter. Three years we’ve been learning to live with pain and grow from pain. We’ve been puppets to doctors, both on their side and our side. We’ve been validated and repudiated. Believed in and felt lied too.
To say our house is full of emotions is an understatement. When the “normal” is about to change and you are about to be released from the constraints of what you think you should be doing versus what you want to be doing, all can seem a little overwhelming.
That’s our house right now. Overwhelmed. Excited. Relieved. Anticipating. Thankful.
And for me, still angry.
I’m still angry that Mimi has had to endure the physical pain for the last (and first) 3 years of our marriage. I’m angry that she’s had to be the one jumping through the hoops and learning to live with what is now probably going to transition into chronic pain. But more than angry I’m relieved beyond anything I can begin to describe. For the first time since our being together in the same country, this whole accident business won’t be hanging over our heads in one way or another. Be it an appointment, or paperwork or just plain waiting to hear something from someone about anything.
A few weeks ago we were sitting down to a meal and out of the blue she said “I feel like pre-accident Mimi”…Meaning in her head, that mental stuff that the accident brought was non-existent. I may have not been the one physically struck by the very large truck but we’ve both suffered over the last three years and what I missed most was her. I missed that chest-thumping let’s get shit done about her. Working through Depression is tough. I know from personal experience. Being the spouse of someone under that dark cloud is just as tough. I know this too now, from personal experience. To watch her struggle not only with the physical self but with the mental self as well was at times heart wrenching. To see the person you love become someone else at the fault of a complete stranger can bring about your own dark cloud and I don’t know about you but one dark cloud in a family is one too many.
I’m not going to lie. When she said “I feel like pre-accident Mimi”, I cried like a baby. No seriously. It wasn’t the reaction either of us were expecting but it was just there. I’ve been waiting for a long time to hear her say that and part of me had resigned myself to never hearing those words. The dark clouds have moved on and with the end of the legal battle just days away, life is feeling pretty awesome right now.
This past month Red took a HUGE leap out of her comfort zone and joined a women’s only introduction to Crossfit. It was her idea. Inside, I was like a kid on Christmas unwrapping that new bike you’ve been dreaming about. The one you circled in the Sears catalog and left it lying around for your parents to see. Outside I was cool and collected “If you think you want too, then sure“. You don’t have to spend much time with me to know how much I love Crossfit. To be honest any physical activity pretty much makes me pretty happy but there is something about Crossfit that goes beyond the happy feeling. All the sweat left on the floor is a testament to the hard work I’ve put into my life. The muscles I didn’t know existed, proof that I’m committed to taking care of my body because for so long I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about myself. Even the littlest progress is BIG progress and there is always something to improve.
She’s been next to me in a few classes and it is freaking amazing.
Three years I’ve been waiting for this time. Approaching the rack with our weights. Getting stronger together. Learning that just because you can’t do something today doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do it tomorrow. If not tomorrow….soon. I love watching the struggle that she experiences because in the Crossfit box, we all struggle. Not one single person doesn’t understand even if our struggles aren’t the same. I love seeing her name and time under mine and knowing it won’t be long before we’re racing to beat the other’s time and high fiving when it’s all over.
So to the man that was driving the truck that day, three long years ago; I’m still angry but my wife is lifting the fuck out of some heavy shit and for that I’m extremely happy.