Sometimes when I’m plugging away on my laptop I’m reminded to clean up some free space.
I don’t really have a lot on my computer.
I use it mainly to throw down some words on this little place of safety.
It doesn’t take long for the whole disc cleanup to happen. It whirs for a few minutes searching different files to dump. Then it asks me whether or not I want to “dump” certain pieces of information. Since I’m pretty computer illiterate I usually just check all the boxes and wham bam (thank you ma’am) files are dumped until the next time I think to perform this so called “Clean up”.
I wish life were that easy. I wish every once in a while I could close my eyes and whir around in my brain looking for files to dump so that I can free up some much needed emotional space. We talk about letting go of things and moving on but let’s be totally honest…
Not so easy.
Difficult in fact.
If I could do a “clean up” of the “disc space” in my head (heart and body) the files found would look something like that list over there. Then I could click click click (and click) each one and push that ever loving “do you want to perform this action” button and then wham bam (thank you so very very much ma’am) let go. Move on. Live life.
Every time I got on that roller coaster of (
you’re not a good enough mate to Mimi, your running is shit, your just above minimum wage job isn’t cutting it, are you a boy or a girl and your food choices are so out of whack) emotions it would be so convenient to just click off those files and within a few minutes be free of what’s keeping me down.
Call it the winter blues or whatever but right now I’m working through some heavy stuff but the funny thing is I can’t pinpoint what “stuff” that is. My running is lacking severely. I know I love to run. I know it helps me to process my thoughts and yet…the idea of lacing up my shoes and hitting the streets sounds about as lovely as rubbing dirt in my eyes. My food choices have been (WAY) less than stellar for the last couple of weeks and while it’s easy to chock it up to “hey it’s the holidays and look at all the cakes, cookies, breads, pastas in front of me”, it has nothing to do with the holidays and everything to do with my lack of caring right now. I know food choices affect me greatly. My body has been hopped up on more sugar and less water than I remember being in a long time. My desire to motivate other people in their own journeys has all but halted because how in the world can I tell YOU to keep going when I can’t convince ME to keep going right now. All of those people that reached out to me over the last three years, I secretly now wish I had the courage to say “ummmm, excuse me could you talk to me for a few minutes cause I feel like I’m sort of drowning over here“
I keep looking in the mirror and more often than not hiding parts of my body I don’t seem to be connecting with. My “girl” parts feel intrusive. In the way. I stand naked and instinctively turn sideways wondering what it would be like to be flat chested and wonder if people would stop calling me “dear” at work or lumping me in with “hello Ladies” when I sit with people during breaks.
I spend moments alone with my head in my hands and search for that voice that tells me what direction to go and for a while now that voice has been silent. I keep thinking it will come to me. The urge to run. The urge to eat for health and not emotions. The urge to seek out what this gender stuff means. Maybe after the new year. Maybe after the snow melts. Maybe the following Monday after the full moon rises and the sky is full of flying pigs…
The dumping of files would make this part of my adventure so much easier.
In my own way I’ve started with some baby (dumping) steps (okay baby dumping doesn’t seem right but you know what I mean here): On Boxing day we went through the house and literally dumped all the sugar. The Christmas chocolates that were given (gone). The baking ingredients for giving chocolates (gone). I’ve agreed with myself that I’m keeping the chai I put in my coffee every morning and other than the occasional bowl of oatmeal I like to have, I’m back to eating as Paleo as possible. The detox has been hard…not gonna lie, it sucks donkey ass.
For Christmas I got a homemade medal rack. I haven’t been very nice to the runner. Always berating myself for the lack of running happening right now. I thought about hanging my new medal rack somewhere out of sight so it couldn’t remind me of the running I’m not doing currently. Instead it’s mounted next to my bed. No medals just yet. I don’t have the emotional “you got this” right now to hang them but I will. When I do, I will take the time to think about how much I love running. How much I miss stepping up to a starting line and crossing the finish line. I’ve already designated a hook for the next big adventure for 2014 (50k) and can feel that excitement of training wanting to flip that “voice” to a booming “GET AFTER IT”.
I read a lot of other people talking about this “can’t” feeling. This feeling of “lull”. This feeling of
get off the couch sit and watch the world go by cause I don’t feel like I’m worth it. I keep thinking no one would understand. I keep wondering if I’m alone in these feelings and I know that I’m not. The baby steps don’t feel like much right now, after all that I’ve done over the last couple of years but I just try to remember that no matter how small those baby steps feels they’ll add up to heading in the right direction.
Maybe someone out there wouldn’t mind leading the way for a bit until I get things figured out.