It’s the first time I’ve written something and comments were made that I felt slightly jilted. Like I wanted to point fingers back and say “You don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes” or “You just don’t understand”. It’s the first time I almost contemplated not approving certain comments because they caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand up and I wanted to react.
What I wanted was a virtual hug and a pat on the back with the obligatory ‘it’s going to be okay Tara”. I got some of that. I also got some harsh, grab me by the shoulders and hear the truth stuff too.
I already know all of that.
I know I am not in charge of anyone’s happiness but my own. I know that the guilt and sadness I am feeling is also in my own control. I don’t know the experiences of those that come here and read what I write so everything is said with the hopes of doing more good than harm. I know that when I write it’s because I want other people to know they are not alone in the struggles of living. Not alone in wanting more for themselves. I want people to be motivated to make the changes because one day, two years ago I read someone else’s blog and they motivated me to get up and fucking move.
Life is as life is. Some days I’m going to come here and lay some bullshit down about me believing in you until you can believe in yourself. I’m going to don the ugliest mental picture of a cheer leading outfit I can find because I’m so pumped up about the life I’ve found I want to get on my knees and beg anyone that listens to do the same. To get out there and live because it is spectacular. Some days I’m going to come here and literally vomit all over this blog because the sight of my own face disgusts me and unless I want to hide in a refrigerator for three days bingeing this is the one place I might find some answers in the form of my own words.
Life is as Life is.
Regardless of how life is going I’m still living. I’m still standing firm against my old self. The self that is still whispering in my ear that everything I’ve done is wrong. I’m still fighting for my own life despite looking like I’m pointing outward and saying “now it’s your turn”. I know the way I am handling the situation with Mitch isn’t the best, but it’s what I know right now. I know that the berating on his part feels deserved on my part. He won’t stop anytime soon so I know I need to step up and make the changes. Can I make them today? No. Can I make them next week? I don’t fucking know because I need time to figure out how to live right here today. I know I need to focus on what’s right in front of me, not what’s behind me…
I was going to say “but” in that last sentence then realized I was just about to make an excuse. I know what I know. I don’t need anyone to grab me by the shoulders and shake me to my senses. I’ve been doing this long enough. I’ve made enough life changes to know how I’m feeling is a process. A process of learning, of loving and of hopefully letting go. A process of deciding what works and what just weighs me down and keeps me from moving forward. I don’t care if it takes one day, one hundred days or one thousand days. As long as I am not giving up I am living to the best of my ability.
Now where’s my ugly cheer leading outfit?
I have a life to lead.
Get the fuck out of my way.