Confession time:
I’m kind of being a big baby today.
A combination of events over the past week have left me feeling angsty, emotional and just plain in a “fuck off” kind of mood. Not just bad events either. Momentous events that should leave one feeling like a bad ass and on top of the world left me feeling confused and unsure of myself. So I’m here to just put the words down on paper (albeit virtual paper) and see where I end up.
On Wednesday I went shopping with Valerie (Seattlerunnergirl) and Jessi (jmlitteer). I want to tell you that it was wonderful and magical and that it was everything that I had hoped for but to tell you the truth it was much harder than I was anticipating. It was more emotional than I was prepared for. Now don’t think for one second I didn’t have a great time because I did. Remember for me this journey isn’t just about weight loss. It’s about discovering that I can function in my environment socially and be okay. It’s about trusting that people want to hang out with me because they like me, care about me and actually find me fun to be around.
It’s about tearing down walls and letting people in.
It’s about living life.
It’s about life.
So that part of the shopping was awesome. The idea of letting myself try on nice clothes and fitting almost everything I took off the racks was the hard part. I went into stores like The Gap, H & M and Victoria Secrets and felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. EFT (Emotionally fat Tara) was tapping me on my shoulder and saying “ummm, you know only the pretty people come in here right?” I tried to shut her out and even bought some things that I really liked but truth be told it was much harder than I was prepared for. So much so that as soon as my date with Val and Jess was over I went to Value Village (one step up from Goodwill) and shopped for some clothes just to make myself calm down (because I deserve to shop second hand stores).
This is going to be a long journey.
The last couple of days have been emotionally trying on me (okay seriously when is my life not emotionally trying right?!?). Many of the important people in my life are calling on me to give them emotional support and I feel like I just don’t have it in me right now. Friends and Family alike are leaning on me these days and while I want to be there for every single one of them I just don’t know how to say “but what about me??” My mother’s death, her birthday, the upcoming holidays, the idea of intuitive eating, meeting goal weight, not knowing what do next, missing Godfather, doing a my first half marathon in a week, and just plain old trying to live in this body that I call home now has left me feeling like I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and be non existent until at least January 2011.
I didn’t want to go to the gym today because I was feeling really let down after Godfather had to cancel on me. I was angry. I didn’t want to face him or anyone else for that matter. I let the alarm go off at 3:30a and reset it for 5:30a. When that went off I seriously thought about just calling in sick for the whole day and throwing a temper tantrum like a three year old.
I went. I was mad. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn’t there but 10 minutes before the universe gave me a message I needed. Someone walked by me and on the back of their shirt was the following:
It’s You vs. You
Isn’t that the damn truth.
We are our toughest opponents. We battle our emotions on a daily basis. We deal with the let downs and with the miracles of this journey. We’re there for others and forget to be there for ourselves. We put too much into what we want from those around us and forget that we can give ourselves exactly the same thing. We tell our friends and family that they deserve to be as happy as possible and that every goal is achievable but when it comes to believing it ourselves it just doesn’t happen. I want to live free of the “vs. you” part of this journey. I don’t want to be my worst enemy any longer. I don’t want be continually looking over the proverbial shoulder wondering what negative thought is going to creep up behind me and keep me from moving forward. I just want to live this life the way it was meant to be lived: happily.
Seeing the “you vs. you” today really hit home for me. I was able to have a long talk with Godfather about my feelings and got to tell him that I’m feeling like I need someone to come through for me because I’m feeling a little left out right now. He got it and that was all I needed. I went back to my work out and pretty much killed it. I’m not saying that I feel better…in fact I’m pretty much just as craptastic now as when I started my day but in this You Vs. You game there can only be one winner.
I’ll let you guess whose taking home the trophy.
Tara.
You so totally deserve to shop anywhere and everywhere you damn well please. To try on all the pretty clothes and take home the ones you want to take home. You are the pretty people.
I totally know how you feel with You vs. You. I think so many of us are our own worst enemies. I won’t even try to pretend that I’ve figured this out or mastered the battle. But what works for me is the steamroller approach. Just keep moving. Don’t stop. Let that part of your brain kick, whine and scream, but keep moving.
And remember that we’re totally here for you.
*hugs*
LOL, I’m pretty much in steam roller mode right now. In fact, maybe so since starting this journey. These moments of “rut ro(s)” are much shorter now than in the beginning so I’m guessing my steam rolling skills are at maximum potential right now.
RAWR!
I feel like my words may be inept but your ability to “confess” what you’re experiencing at this point of your journey makes me love and respect you even more. So often, as “caretakers” we worry so much about making sure everyone around us is cared for, giving everything without knowing how to ask for what we need. IT’S FREAKING HARD! Big HUGE high 5 to you for putting it out there on your blog and to Godfather that you have needs right now. Advocating for yourself is one of the HARDEST things every…but you ARE doing it!
I’m one of those friends who has leaned on you for encouragement and support and I can tell you that it has meant the world to me but YOU and your well being is super important too. Thank you so much for being there for me but PLEASE let me know what I can do too. HUGS!
AND . . . . . YOU will absolutely take home the trophy my friend.
Thanks Kelly. I don’t want anyone for even a second to think I don’t love and appreciate people coming to me when they need an ear to talk to or a heart to love them. It’s how I get through some of the tougher times in this journey. I think my emotional “bag of goodies” is just slightly over flowing myself and I need to get rid of some of it.
It’s You vs. You. Man ain’t that the truth sometimes. But we are learning and growing. And eventually we are going to be able to cross out the “vs. You” part, at least most of the time. I love you, boo. And I want for you to love yourself as much as I love you. Until you do, well I got this. But I can’t wait for that day.
I wish I could shrinky dink you.
Put you in my pocket.
With me all the time.
Nuff Said!
Just like the universe sent you a message, I think this post from you was a message for me. Being at the beginning of my journey, I’ve just published a post on how terrified I am about losing weight and finding out in the end that that’s not what will make me happy, but rather how I decide to feel about myself. It’s scary to think that we constantly have to battle ourselves in order to feel worthwhile, but I see I’m not the only one struggling with this.
I can say that seeing how much weight you’ve lost and that even though things are rough, you’re not giving up, has been very inspiring to me. It shows me this is a lifelong change that comes from within, and that the actual weight loss is only a part of it. You have learned to put yourself first and it’s helped you lose all that weight, and it’ll help you overcome this belief that you shouldn’t be shopping at those stores.
And also, we’re all beautiful and we’ve always been, it’s just time we recognize it. And I think buying clothes from Victoria’s Secret and the GAP is an excellent way to tell yourself and others that this is where the pretty people shop, and that it includes you!
Thanks for you comment Genevieve. 11 months ago when I decided this was not how I was going to live my life anymore I found strength in reading the struggles of those that came before me. It was a mental preparation that in fact it doesn’t get easier emotionally. For me it’s actually been much harder now that I’m one of the “come before me” people. The physical part of this journey becomes the easy part (not what I was expecting either). Staying in the moment, allowing myself to feel all my emotions, giving each emotion permission to stay and be experienced, being honest with myself, and repeating this process on a daily basis is what is hard (for me).
But!
The great thing about what I just wrote up there is yes it’s hard, but I’m doing it. So are you. That makes us Warriors! You just keep moving forward no matter how small you feel your steps are. Soon enough you’re going to look behind you and realize you’ve traveled much farther than you give yourself credit for.
I was gonna say some fluffy happy shit but I can’t, instead I am gonna quote you.
“I’m feeling like I need someone to come through for me because I’m feeling a little left out right now.” When I ask you what Can I do for you, I mean it, I mean it in that I will drive an hour to you so you can yell obscenities at me, or cry on me, or hop on a treadmill next to you so you can see how much faster you are, or what ever it is you need to do you feel better. You take time to help your friends, me included, when you have as much or more shit to deal with as anyone else. You may have sat with your problem today but you obviously still felt craptastic when you blogged this. I would have totally pretended to be GodFather today and worn a tight ass shirt and made you jump rope till you cried if that’s what you needed lol. I fucking love you.
Dude, I may take you up on that tight shirt, jump rope shit.
Or maybe just the tight shirt!
RAWR!
You know I would do it too lol.
Ha! I want THAT on a t-shirt Pronto.
You continually amaze me. It is these brutally honest confessions that will keep you on your path, inside and out.
You count.
It sounds as if you have some people in your life that would do just about anything for you. Take them up on that offer. You are strong, fierce, beautiful, but you’re human too. Being there for others is a gift you have and we thank god for it but do some leaning too. Reach out, grab ahold of that hand and shore yourself up. It makes you stronger by resting on another.
You matter.
You truly have no clue how much I have come to care for you. I send up prayers daily….. sending angels to lift you up, when the world has beaten you down. Because you matter. More than you’ll ever know
You made it through this hell week…hah! This hell year. This weekend is your weekend to just recenter. Make it all about you. Its allowed, you know. All the other can be tabled for a day or two. Take care of yourself…you matter the most
I just found your blog ( and started one of my own today! ).. I relate to so much of what you wrote.. I know I have spent my life standing in my own way and in order for me to succeed, I have to MOVE ( both out of my own way and move my body!)..
I’m sorry that you didn’t feel worthy of the clothes. Our minds are crazy sometimes, arent’ they?
how was the weekend?
filled with nada but TaraTime!?
heres hoping.
Im hoping.
Goodness Tara! When I feel like i want to give up, i read posts like this and press on. I threw a pity party for myself yesterday because I feel like im trapped in the 190’s (been there for 8 weeks!) but I realize its only me keeping me there. You vs You. Me vs Me. I will win. You will win. Thanks Tara!
Excellent post. The perfect post for me to be reading right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and plans to make it better. I love all the comments too. This is a hard life we lead but we are better for it. I haven’t quite reached my goal yet but it’s getting closer and closer. I too haven’t felt like I deserve anything not a handme down or used. Maybe later?
Take care and have a blessed afternoon. You are worth it all, just remember that.