Hard to believe that this is my 353rd post on a blog that started out as 263andcounting, changed to alifechangingjourney, moved from a weight loss blog to a maintenance blog that is now evolving again to something I’m not even sure of. I have all sorts of shit knocking itself around in my noggin but by the time I sit down at the laptop the ideas sort of fizzle out and I think “well it wouldn’t be that good anyway”.
For 2 1/2 years I’ve tapped at the keyboard and laid my life on the pages of this blog. Nothing
was is kept a secret and sometimes it’s hard to compete with myself when it comes to writing. I don’t like to blog at home (the distraction of having Old man Chester the cat and a comfy bed in which to waste hours of iphone games, reading and holding hands with Red makes it difficult to stay focused). I worry too much about what people think when I write. I worry too much about number of blog hits going up or down, making sure I post my blog updates to the appropriate groups for exposure and how people who also write blog posts about weight loss/life changes get the number of comments they do on a regular basis.
When I think about blogging in my head I see things as if I’m talking with someone. Like I’m having a sit down conversation with someone about to start the journey of losing weight. The journey of making small changes. The journey of believing in themselves. It happens mostly when I’m running. I’ll think of something then start this long conversation with some imaginary person in my mind. The idea might come from a podcast that I’m listening too (you know how much I love Joel Osteen) or a song that I forgot was on my shuffle playlist. It might come from someone I see running towards me or just a feeling that overcomes me. The blog idea sounds passionate in my head but then the energy to get it into words on this blog sort of dissipates after I hop in the tub for an ice bath.
I’ve had some seriously kick ass conversations with this imaginary person. Sometimes it’s so passionate I have a hard time keeping my emotions in check while running. I wish the imaginary person was real so I could stop everything and throw my arms around them and tell them “You deserve nothing less than making the changes necessary to become a whole person”…
But then I realize the imaginary person is real.
I need those passionate conversations with myself almost on a daily basis. I’m in a place with my running that is leaving me feel a little frustrated. With my second marathon about a month away I’m having a hard time getting those high mileage runs in because of both motivation and because of weather. As with winter, I’m not used to running in heat that is accompanied by high humidity and when you’re supposed to be out on the road for upwards to 3-4 hours it can bring you down right quick.
Sometimes those conversations are about being okay with what is happening.
I spent a lot of time wondering about race schedule this year. Should I go for Marathon Maniac status? Should I shoot for an ultra? Why can’t I run faster than last year? Why am I having such a hard time even pushing out these 6 miles? How in the world am I ever going to get used to this shit? I kept rolling around in my head the possibility of doing 4 marathons this year (2 of them would have been almost back to back this coming October). Every time I am out running right now I obsess on how differently I feel this year compared to last year back in WA state. I felt faster and had more endurance and this year it just seems to not be there. I see everyone else’s run posts on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram with times that are in the 8 min/mile mark and I feel like a sloth at a constant 10 minute mile (and by sloth I mean I can’t make myself physically run faster if I tried). I try to remember that they are not me and I am not them but somedays you just want to be like everyone else.
I’ve decided to
give up let go of the idea of Maniac status this year. I’ve decided to give up let go of the idea of doing an ultra marathon this year. I’ve decided to give up let go of the idea of running as fast as (insert name here and if you know who you are then by god I think your lightening fast!). At the end of the year I’m going to be 43 years old. The first 40 of which I spent believing I wasn’t worth fighting for and living in a body that was destined for weight related diseases and premature death. I try to remind myself that some of the physical things I’ve been able to do in such a short amount of time is pretty incredible. All the pushing and the “I should do this” thinking is because I feel like I need to make up for what I didn’t do before I lost the weight but that’s just silly (right?)
Today Red and I registered for what will be my final marathon of 2012. I won’t lie, I felt a little bit of relief when I said out loud this was going to be my last marathon this year. 2 years ago my then 250 pound body couldn’t run a half block and this year I’ll have completed not one but three marathons (I wish they were timed just right so I could apply for Marathon Maniac but it didn’t work out). While researching races we also found a few shorter distance races that I would like to do so Fall is starting to look pretty good on the race front:
Navy 10k August 19th
Maritime Race Weekend Tartan Twosome Sept 14th – 15th (5k Friday Marathon Saturday)
Valley Harvest Marathon October 7th
Coyote Trail Run 9k October 12th
MEC Shubie Park 10k October 20th
Nothing will be run for time. I need to
give up let go of the idea that I’m going to be faster than (insert name here). Everything will be about doing what I always tell other people; it’s about showing up and remembering the three rules to any race…
3) Party while you’re moving
My friend Bari (http://www.livelaughrunbreathe.com/) just completed her first triathlon today. I couldn’t help but reminisce about my first sprint triathlon and went back to look at the recap. It was the last paragraph that got me choked up this morning:
“We don’t have to live our lives being fat anymore. We don’t have to live our lives sitting around wondering what it would be like to cross over a finish line and be handed a medal that said “you did it”. We don’t have to live our lives sad and complacent; depressed and alone. We don’t have to live our lives thinking that this is as good as it gets. We don’t have to live our lives feeling sorry for ourselves and stuffing our emotions with food. We don’t have to live our lives the way we’ve been living them for ONE SECOND MORE.”
I need to remember this is why I do what I do. Not because of times or to be faster than anyone. I do it because for so long I couldn’t. For so long I sat by and watched others do what I secretly wanted to do but didn’t think I had it in me. Didn’t believe in myself. Didn’t think other believed in me. I do what I do because I believe in you no matter what you think about yourself. I do what I do because when someone says “I can’t even run for 30 seconds” I immediately return to that 250 pound Tara that felt the same way but kept pushing, kept moving and proved that just because you can’t run for 30 seconds today it doesn’t mean it’s always going to be like that.
I’m going to relax about my races. I’m going to relax about what I think I should or shouldn’t be doing. I’m going to give myself the much needed break and take the time to pat myself on the back for what I am accomplishing today.
Because what I am accomplishing today is fucking awesome.
(And so are you!)