http://www.flickr.com/photos/francescapayne
I’ve spent the majority of my life as a population of one. I had neighborhood friends and even a best friend or two growing up but as young as I can remember I preferred to be alone. At home I’d spend hours in my room doing nothing. At school I’d put books up around my desk creating a barrier between me and my classmates. During recess I’d throw a tennis ball against the wall while all the other kids played tag or green monster on the monkey bars. Even when I was being a “kid” outside, it was usually alone. Being alone was a mechanism I created to keep me safe. Becoming a population of one meant no one could leave me. It meant I was in control of what happened to my surroundings. It meant the only person I could trust to love me, to take care of me, to be there no matter what was me.
It can get pretty lonely being a population of one.
But it’s safe.
As an adult, I clung to this safety. I loved people but I never fully trusted them. I spent time with people but I never fully engaged with them. I may not have physically put books up, like I did in elementary school, between me and my adult relationships but they were up emotionally. Always at arms length. Always on the other side of the proverbial playground while I threw the tennis ball back and forth against the brick wall.
It was safe.
But it was lonely…
As I’ve traveled this journey for the past year, I’ve slowly (so very very slowly) learned that my population of one is no longer necessary. I don’t need to put up the barriers and keep people at bay. I don’t need to be alone thinking this is the only way to keep myself safe. No one is leaving me. No one is trying to take my control away. No one is out to hurt me emotionally and/or physically.
As I look forward, I do so with an open heart. I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned to love. Fully engaged in my surroundings and those around me. No one wants to hurt me. No one wants to leave me. I no longer need to rely solely on myself to love and care for me. The mechanisms I needed as a child to survive are no longer needed…
I am safe.
I am no longer lonely.
Thank you
I’m still in that place of keeping emotional barriers up. I definitely get the lonely feeling! I’m glad you have gotten past that. I hope I do soon!
What a monumental shift in thinking! The amount of self-reflection you’ve done is staggering, and good for you that you’re willing and open to change. I’m certain it will result in an increase of happiness, and that’s what it’s all about, right? Keep it up!
The post gives me the shivers. There is so much POWER in being vulnerable and opening yourself up to love. I’m glad to be a part of your ONE+ equation!
It’s a major change to shift your mentality to “me against the world” to “we’re all in this together.” Good for you for taking the risk and reaping the rewards of opening yourself up to others. We’re all lucky to know you.
I am still in a place where it’s tough to open up. I’ve made some really crappy friendships in the past that ended horribly and it’s difficult not to think that there’s something wrong with me. What did you do to help you with this? We have a little similar backgrounds… what did you do to be able to trust that people weren’t going to hurt you?
I feel like I could have written this myself (huge hugs)
Good for you, it’s really hard to let down your defenses.
Damn.
Damn, damn. damn.
And, dare I say it, damn.
I could have written this post. All of it, right up until the very last part. Which I thank you for.
There is a show I used to watch called days of our lives…and in it is a character that was abused as a child..and as someone was trying to reach out to him and asking him to trust her he screamed….”I’ve learned my leasson, I don’t have to trust anyone…I TRUST ME!”
man, did I get that guy. When you learn through hard experience that everyone around you cannot be trusted as a kid, opening up as an adult can be terrifying. I am still working on it.
Good job.
I need to get a new phone which WORKS ON TWITTER because so so so frequently it is your tweet(s) which make this misfit feel less lonely as well.
Yes, I’m still working on it, too. Thanks again Tara
The best thing about you letting your defenses down is that it’s gonna make it that much easier for me to kick you ass during our upcoming pillow fight!!!!
<3