I’m doing an Olympic Triathlon today.
You’d think this kind of statement would lead to a blog post about how this is a huge success for me as far as milestones go while on this Life Changing Journey. Don’t get me wrong this is a huge milestone. Crossing that finish line today (fingers crossed) is another stepping stone on the quest to challenge my body to do more physically than it ever has my entire existence.
However…
This is not about succeeding.
This is a blog post about how in my head, I’ve stopped succeeding because deep down inside I’m still attached to a number on a scale that went from 270 pounds down to 150 pounds and over the last few months has crept back up to 168 pounds. Even just writing that last sentence makes me want to close this laptop and pretend like this blog post never happened. I can already hear the uproar of responses forming in people’s head as you read this:
“150 wasn’t a healthy weight”
“it’s still 102 pounds lost”
“you’re still in a size 8”
“don’t make such a big deal out of it”
“weight fluctuates so much even in a day”
“look at what else you’re accomplishing”
“the number on the scale isn’t important”
“I wish I could say I lost over 100 pounds”
(the list can go on forever)
But let me be totally honest here, losing a significant amount of weight and then seeing even a slight gain can wreak havoc on the brain (at least my brain). I’ve been on this journey for close to twenty-one months with nine of them being at “goal” weight or less (remember my initial goal weight of 170 was an arbitrary number). Once I hit 170 I continued to lose until finally reaching what I considered a “not so healthy” weight of 150. I didn’t like that number. I didn’t like how I got to that number. I didn’t like how my brain had gone from eating too much and not exercising to exercising too much and not eating. It was difficult admitting I had gone too far on the weight loss spectrum and refused to stay there. So I once again changed my eating/exercise pattern until I settled in on a weight I was comfortable with (somewhere between 155 – 160).
And there I stayed for a little while.
And then I wasn’t there anymore.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks (maybe months but I don’t really know) I’ve gained a pound here and a pound there. I tried to rationalize the number I saw but as anyone who has lost any weight (be it 25 pounds or 500 pounds) knows you begin to panic that you’re going to gain all the weight back. Anxiety settled into the old tape recorder lodge in my psyche and instead of talking about my fear of gaining weight I kept in locked away to fester and ooze into my everyday thinking.
It festered.
It oozed.
I panicked.
With a little coaxing from Meegan I finally started to sort through what I was fearing most about having a weight gain and ultimately putting it out on the blog that I am considering going back into weight loss mode rather than maintenance for a while to get back down to a weight that I am more comfortable with. The following is the exerpt of our conversation via skype.
Me: confession: I feel like I’ve failed now that I’m in a place where I want to lose more weight. Like I can’t keep it off for good. I’ve been wanting to blog about it but haven’t because I’m afraid people will stop seeing me as an inspiration even though it’s a stupid 8 pounds.
Her: When in fact that’s more inspirational than anything. That you recognize that you have gained that stupid 8 pounds and that you want to do something about it. That your life has shifted signifcantly and in it your focus changed and you found 8 lbs of baggage in it. Now you don’t want to carry that anymore. so you’ll take action. You should blog about it. You will be bigger inspiration than ever and it will fuel your fire.
Me: it makes me want to cry
Her: because its hard. there isn’t anything in that that is failure. Failure would be seeing the 8lbs and being miserable and not doing anything, failure would be letting that 8lbs turn into 20, failure would be being part of the 95% who put ALL of the weight back on and then some, failure would be not setting new goals for your current healthy lifestyle. 8lbs does not a failure make.
Me: that’s what I’m afraid of…that no matter how much I “buckle” down it won’t come off or just keep going up
Her: 8lbs can’t make or break you. If you live your life the way you want, eating healthy and balanced and getting your workouts in that make your body, mind and soul feel good, than it doesn’t matter what the scale says. if you are the muscle and force you want to be, and not plagued by the fat you’re worried about than it doesn’t matter what the scale says. We both know at least 5 of the lbs we have gained back isn’t muscle. So we get rid of that. and we feel better…fuck the weight on the scale.
Me: it’s not that easy for me…I try to say fuck the scale but in the end it’s still too important to me
Her: than that is the part you have to work on letting go. and that’s why you’re still weighing yourself every day. right now that is more important to you than the balance of fitness and food. ultimately you are allowing the scale to govern who you are, I know that’s not who you are. I want our life to be about living in a healthy, balanced way, eating well, moving hard, and feeling good. Not worrying about what the scale says…Can you honestly tell me that your life changing journey and everhything that has changed has been about the weight on the scale?
Me: I worry what the scale says cause that’s how I measure my success (hmmmmmm blog post).
It’s true. Twenty-one months later I still measure my success based on what the scale says. It’s hard to admit that instead of seeing the true successes of this journey (running farther, getting stronger, pushing physical boundaries) I am still tethered to the three digits that flash up at me when I step on the scale. I worry that people will stop seeing me as an inspiration and when I tell them to move forward as if their life depended on it (because it does) they’re going to stare blankly at me and say “But what about you Tara?“
What about me?
As I was getting ready yesterday for the olympic triathlon that I’m doing even as this blog is being posted I needed to come up with a sign for my shirt. If you’ve been following me for any length of time you’ll know that I like to wear a sign while running to encourage / inspire others and to get the much needed encouragement from those willing to give me a high five along the route. Normally I put down my beginning weight of 270 pounds and then my current weight to signify the 100+ pounds I’ve let go of in both the physical sense and in the emotional sense. It was the first time I was too afraid to put down my current weight of 168 pounds. For me it was admitting publicly that I wasn’t 155 – 160 pounds anymore. I was admitting that I have gained weight even though the other participants wouldn’t know me from any other person on the street. I should be screaming from the roof tops that I’ve lost this amount of weight and have kept it off successfully but instead I thought I would post the picture on some social media outlet and everyone would know my BIG SECRET.
Instead I made this sign:
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how this journey is about facing fears and not letting things fester and ooze when there is a big world out there willing to listen to what I have to say. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if admitting the gain (as “small” as it is in the grand scheme of things, it feels huge to me) is exactly the spark I needed to make some changes in order to get down to a number I am more comfortable with or whether or not this is exactly where my body wants to be right now. I’ve spent some time questioning if holding the panic of “I know I’m going to gain all my weight back” inside isn’t what has also kept me back from moving physically (did I mention I didn’t really prepare for this triathlon I’m doing today).
Mostly I’ve been thinking about my own after.
I am in control.
(I am my own after)
What was lost and gained will be lost again.
(I am my own after)
I am not a failure.
(I am my own after)
I am succeeding.
(I am my own after)
I move.
(I am my own after)
I live.
(I am my own after)
I inspire.
(Are you your own after?)
It is *so* hard to stop measuring success with the scale. Because as you are losing, it *is* a good tool (not the only one, but A good one) to measure the “success” of the strategies you’re using to lose weight. I think Meegan’s right that the 8 pounds is not a failure and that maybe the real work, the most important work you have left in front of you is conquering how tethered you are to the scale. I also think that being honest about the 8 pounds and putting it out here is a success in itself. We didn’t get to our highest weights by being honest with ourselves and others about weight, our feelings, etc. We got there by hiding. So NOT hiding? Hugely important.
So hard not to compare myself with others or even with the “myself” who was at her lowest weight. I’m my own after because I’m taking care of myself and health the best way I know how. Using the things I learned in gaining my life back to continue being healthy even with weight gain and losing some fitness due to current health issues. In the past it would have lead me to regain my weight loss and add more…now I’ve limited the gain and maintained my fitness when possible.
Being my own after means loving me at all points along this journey.
You’re absolutely you’re own after! I used to go by the scale too, and count on it to tell me when to buckle down or shame me after overeating. Then I did the Whole 30 (focuses on whole foods only for 30 days) and one of the rules is you can’t weigh. It’s been amazing. I lost weight, but I also lost all desire to step on the scale. Who cares what I weigh? I’m feeling good and moving towards my goals.
PS if you look at your sidebar over there, it says holding steady at 165! You’re basically holding steady! I know what feels comfortable to you is personal though. Just sayin.
Oh my friend. This post made me cry. Because I could have written this EXACT SAME POST. But for me it was about losing 35-40 and then gaining back like 5. Which has been freaking me out, sort of. And sort of not. Trying to wrap my head around it and find some calm. This post helped me a lot. You ARE your own after! and so am I!!!!!!!! (working on my own sign for my first triathlon in Nov) I love you!!!!!!
YOU. AMAZE. ME!!!!!! #EveryDay in #EveryWay Thank YOU for Sharing YOU with us!!! #Beautiful
There’s so much to be said about this post. First I want to tell you how proud I am of you for writing it, and in the process uncovering the positive about putting even this (the hard stuff) out there. Not letting it fester and ooze anymore but ripping off the scab, by writing this post, and slapping on a band aid, by letting those of us who you inspire every day remind you that there is inspiration in this honesty too, and finally letting it heal.
We will both find the happy place together where we are content with how we feel about our bodies. And likely we will still have moments/hours/days when that feeling won’t be awesome (I mean who doesn’t) but for the most part we will be able to look at one another and love who we are, how far we’ve come, and what we mean to each other.
I’m so proud of so many things you’ve accomplished on your Life Changing Journey but not one of the top ten (or top fifty) has anything to do with that number on the scale.
All my love. xo
Man, it’s tough, huh? I think that seeing a back-slide (it’s up to each of us to determine how significant our own is) is very discouraging. Especially after a pretty solid run of success. I’d say that I know how you feel, but I don’t. I just know that if you feel the way I do (after gaining back 40 of the almost 150 I had lost), it really sucks. And it’s tempting to hide and then return once you’re back to where you want to be–as if nothing happened. But something did happen, and the best way to address that is by leaning on all the friends you’ve found along the way. And you did that. And that’s why you rock!
I find it so easy to relate to this post because my numbers are about the same. I’ve gone from 235+ to 155, and my (current) comfortable maintenance range is 155-160. I might like that to be more like 152-157 but really it doesn’t matter much because I’m satisfied with my size and from here on out I’m just getting stronger, fitter, and smaller but not necessarily lighter.
I do rely on the scale as one of my metrics, and I weigh nearly daily. It keeps me out of denial, because my weight will creep up if I’m not vigilant. It’s something I need to do, I’ve been here before. If the scale (and the tightness of my jeans) tell me that I need to tweak my behavior for a few days, I do that: dropping my carbs a little lower, eating less cheese, not having beer for a few days, not taking 2 rest days in a row, basically just trimming the extras that make the difference between maintaining and losing. For me, micromanaging works because I’m doing it with love and care, I’m not beating myself up. I made rocky road ice cream with my daughters the other day. We used a regular sugar-full recipe, I had some, it was fantastic. I bounced up 3lbs to 163 overnight. No big whoop, it was worth it, now I’m eating a little more carefully for the rest of the week until I’m back in my comfort range. If I don’t, I will stick at 163 until the next time I treat myself to something, and then I’ll be at 165, and so on. Nothing wrong with 165 as a number, but I know I feel better at 160. I look to that scale because mass is pure fact, the laws of physics apply the same way every time. The scale may not tell the whole story, but it doesn’t lie to me the way I lie to myself, know what I mean?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that weighing yourself regularly isn’t inherently unhealthy, even if you have had an unhealthy relationship with a scale in the past. You get to decide what number feels best for you, and change it over and over. Maybe 150 was too low, and maybe you feel great now but just need to get your head used to 168. It’s your choice, you decide. The scale is a tool but it doesn’t hold the power. The number is just a number, it doesn’t define your success. You are incredible and continue to inspire me. I don’t give a shit how much you weigh, but I care very much how you feel. Be kind to yourself. “After” isn’t a day, it’s the rest of your life.