Light the fire.
Strike the match and set the flame.
To change.
To life.
To living.
I’ve been thinking a lot (okay maybe obsessing) over the idea that my blog as become more “motivational” rather than the struggles of finding life at the end of the tunnel that I’ve been writing about for so long.
I let the obsession fester (quietly). Am I not being honest enough in my posts anymore? Is there not enough drama happening in my life? Why is my reader count dropping? Why the fuck is that even important to me? Why does this blog mean so much to me? More than once I thought about letting this blog go over the past couple of weeks. I thought about quietly slipping into the background and just not putting my thoughts down. Let someone else write about the struggles of weight loss. Let someone else write about the successes of weight loss. Let someone else write a race recap. Let someone else…
I’ve started a new “thing” in my life. One that requires me to look back over the last two years (and the first 40 years of my life). Where I was then (in 2010) and where I am today are opposite ends of the spectrum. I cried a lot in the beginning. I stumbled. I took a lot of baby steps that were painful both emotionally and physically. I wrote about everything. What I ate. The exercises that I did. Weekly weigh ins. Line graphs that squiggled up and down as I (we) watched the scale decrease in number while life increased in happiness for me. Words shifted and I started to write as if I was talking to myself like I would talk to a friend. I motivated with words instead of just using the blog as a dumping place for numbers, workouts and pounds lost.
I am here to motivate.
That is what I am meant to do.
To show anyone…anyone that choosing to live is a right we all have. I can’t explain it. I can’t explain why I have the need to tell people (and show people) that we don’t have to settle for obesity, settle for depression, settle for living a life without knowing our full potential. I can’t explain why I sometimes become so overwhelmed at the sadness we have settled for and accept as normal. I can’t explain this need. This need to reach out. To prove to anyone listening, reading, watching that what you thought was impossible…
Is possible.
The struggles of weight loss are fewer and farther in between for me. I’m not out to lose weight anymore. Most days I live, eat, breath and maintain a successful weight loss story. My relationship with the scale is no longer haunting me (though I would guess that’s because there isn’t readily access to a scale). My struggles with depression are fewer and farther in between. I still have days that I feel like I can’t get out of bed and function like I should but those days pass just like days that feel really good to me.
The tone of the blog has changed because I have changed. I lost over a hundred pounds. I over came depression. I found love. I shifted my way of thinking about myself and my life. I want someone else to do the same now. I stopped reading other people’s blogs, stopped engaging so much on twitter, stopped pumping my fist in the air and screaming the proverbial “YOU CAN DO IT” because I started believing I was too motivational and not struggling enough.
Now I realize it doesn’t feel right to me. It doesn’t feel right to not jump up and down, wave my hands and with a resounding voice of affirmation say “I did it, so can you”. Isn’t that what it means to live life? To do what can’t be done and then encourage others to follow suit? Isn’t it sort of my responsibility to turn around every once in a while and hold the hand of someone who is still struggling? Still depressed? Still confused about their own path?
I motivate because I’m never very far from going back to that lifestyle of self hate, self-abuse and self-deprecation. I motivate because when I feel the dark cloud creeping in on my turf, I need someone to turn around and motivate me. I motivate because it’s what keeps me moving forward and we all know how I feel about moving forward.
If the tone of the blog is something that doesn’t resound with a reader any longer then so be it. It’s okay. It’s my blog. It’s my life. I put myself out there to be loved, criticized, supported, ignored…whatever the person who takes the time to read these posts feel in that moment. But if someone feels that this blog is too motivational then I have to wonder what road the reader is on? All I want in life is too feel like I’ve helped someone move a little more forward towards what they deserve…
It’s what I deserve.
Ummmm, excuse me?
You are meant to m.o.t.i.v.a.t.e. Period. Full stop.
that’s what you were doing in the beginning by taking the steps. that’s what you are doing now. (that’s what you do for me every day). how you choose to do that is going to evolve as your journey does.
I’m glad you’re putting that 2012 word to good use and ACCEPTing that’s exactly your purpose. (and for the #MH2M goal while you’re at it).
From my little corner you’re good at it, our LCJ is the process of uncovering our truth, motivating others is part of your truth, and big damn part of why I fell in love you. Please for the love of all that is Tara don’t torture yourself thinking you need to abandon it.
#lawn
You GET to be happy! And you GET to motivate! Dammit, I hate how much Westerners love the self help narrative of struggling through darkness to see light and then not liking when people get to the light. You’re at it! That’s freaking awesome.
Yep, you get to have a good life and be happy and be a positive force in the world by doing it.
So, bravo, Tara, for getting to the place where you are! And where you are is f*cking motivating. If you just blogged about washing dishes and doing it while you were happy that’d be motivating.
Good realizations all around in this post. It makes me happy.
i am GLAD that you are ‘back’. that pretty much sums it up.
Rock on.
-gene-
TARA!!! I thought about you the other day at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and thought about our first meeting. You saw my trying my hardest to ge through that stinking stage 4 of C25K. You didn’t know me, but you saw my struggle, you met me where I was at. You are a motivation! I must admit that I have, at times, been a bit jealous of your success. It’s OK that you are in a good place. I continue to admire your courage and willingness to share- no matter what you are sharing!
Tara, I miss you so much. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I cannot think of a single person who is more motivating than you are. I look at who you are today, and I can hardly believe that technically you are the same person whose blog I stumbled upon nearly two years ago. You have always been so completely honest with us. There will always be struggles because that’s life. Your struggles now and in the future won’t be the same as the ones you faced in the beginning of this blog. But I have no doubt that you will continue to share your ups and downs with us. The weight loss chapter of your life was a can’t-put-it-down compelling read. The maintenance and motivation chapters are sure to read the same. So write that book, Boo.
Tara you motivate me almost on a daily basis. While sometimes I miss reading a blog here or there you and all of your accomplishments have become one of those little voices in the back of my head.
Last night for example I decided to try a new workout DVD, Bob Harper was trying to tell me to do cobra pushups..OMG. I heard you in my head telling me to just try, do what I could. I remembered your journey as a runner, going one block and throwing up. I was trying (and seriously wondering if I was going to throw up)! In the end did I really do the cobra pushup’s, no, but I did do actual girlie pushups. Those are still a struggle for me. I am finding that I have way less upper body strength than I thought I had.
My point is you were the voice last night that pushed me to do SOMETHING instead of just giving up and saying ” I can’t do those” or “I’m to fat to do that”. For me those little girlie pushups may as well have been the cobra pushups for all the effort it took. But I did them. No they weren’t in perfect form but I will get there and your voice in my head helps me get there! I love that you are so open and honest here. I love that you share when you beat yourself up emotionally, and that you have come back from that.
Your accomplishments, struggles and reality remind me that you are human. They also remind me that I can do this…all I have to do is just keep going and TRY!
You can call it whatever you want….
Motivate
Inspire
Encourage
I will continue to read and learn from your blog. At the same time, I realize that only I am responsible for the choices I make in life. You, by sharing so many of your experiences have the ability to motivate, and that is a gift.
I, for one, am so incredibly glad you’re here. You motivate and inspire me and when I’m down on myself, you let me know that it’s not ok to beat myself up. Thank you for continuing to be here.
For the love of Pete, PLEASE be you…no matter what! 🙂
I can relate to this (and to pretty much everything you wrote in this post): “I started believing I was too motivational and not struggling enough.”
When things got good for me, my readership changed a little…and that’s okay. I have found that we go through many different phases on this journey and one of them is most definitely wanting to help others…and the Tara brand of motivation is freaking awesome!!
I love reading about people who have reached the ‘other side’! It motivates me so much because I want to be there with you!
I think your lack of struggle right now is very helpful and motivational to those that are at the beginning of the journey!
I’m with Karen, just be you 🙂 We all want to help people and you do a wonderful job at it so keep up the great work 🙂 I just wish I had found your blog from your day #1.
you…tara…no matter what stage of the journey
goes hand in hand with MOTIVATE….
You are now carrying the torch for those that still struggle
Continue to light the way……
[…] it came off almost painlessly. Although I spend many days wishing I were on the other side (see Tara’s blog) when the pounds are coming off, it makes it easier being on the losing […]