I used to be a death knight…
Five years I played World of Warcraft.
Five years I sank into a chair for hours and hours each day creating a reality that was so far away from what my real life represented. It was WHERE I wanted to be because there I could create a character that represented WHO I wanted to be.
Strong
Fast
Beautiful
Killing demons and saving lives
I played day in and day out. I would get up hours before it was time for me to go to work and play until the very last minute before I had to leave the house (sometimes no shower included). I would wake up on a Saturday and for 8 – 10 hours I would sit in the same place and create a world in which I felt better about myself inside a stupid laptop than I ever did in my actual environment.
I SANK into the chair, but even worse I GREW into the chair.
LITERALLY.
Today I sit in that same chair and take up half the space that I used to. I remember the days of sitting for so long the sides of my hips became sore from pressing into the arms of the chair. It never dawned on me that maybe…just maybe something was wrong with the amount of time I was spending building my death knight into the perfect version of me.
I was safe from the demons of my real life because I was wielding a big sword, wearing a plate of armor and killing the demons of another reality. I know it sounds hokey but if you’ve ever been addicted to video games, this all makes perfect sense to you. It made perfect sense to me. Why spend time out here in my real world, looking around at what life had to offer me (at that time it was sadness, distrust and a overwhelming feeling of failure) when I could spend it playing a game that over time became everything that I was…
It’s scary out here.
Sometimes people hurt your feelings and they mean too. Sometimes people hurt your feelings and they don’t mean too. Sometimes you fail at what you’re trying to do. Sometimes you make one bad choice which leads to two…three….and then you feel out of control. Sometimes you get so overwhelmed by the emotions inside your body you can’t seem to catch your breath. Sometimes you trip and fall and the hardest thing to do is to get back up. Sometimes you look in the mirror and want to pound so hard against what is looking back at you, it breaks into a million pieces and finally you feel what your heart is feeling…broken.
It’s hard to be broken.
It’s hard to not run away.
It’s hard to not want to sink back into that chair.
When I stopped playing that game, I had to stay here in my real world. I had to sit with all the pain of feeling like a failure and now on top of that looking back and realizing what a waste my life had been for the previous 1825 days. I had to live with being broken and find the courage to not run back to what was safe but to stand with my feet firmly planted…
I had to kill some demons.
I learned to pick up those millions of pieces of my heart and slowly mend it back together. I had to learn to forgive those that I felt hurt me in the past and more importantly learn to forgive myself. I had to open my heart, mind and spirit and trust that the world actually isn’t out to get me. I had to get out of that chair and move and save my life because living in a world as a death knight was not living…in fact it was dying.
It hasn’t been an easy road by any means. I was scared. I was distrustful. I was angry. I was morbidly obese. I lacked the self confidence it took to look people in the eyes when they spoke to me. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe in the world around me. But sinking into a chair and living in another reality wasn’t what was going to fix what was broken. Living in my reality, in the moment, taking all of everything, loving myself, knowing it would be worth it and more importantly that I deserved this is; that’s what fixed it.
Guess what I discovered finally fixing what I felt was broken out here
instead of hiding in a level 80 death knight?
I am:
STRONG
FAST
BEAUTIFUL
KILLING DEMONS AND SAVING LIVES
(Funny how that happens)
You forgot Amazing. You are 🙂
Great post as usual 😉
Thumbs up. I like metaphors. I like kick ass people too.
I too was addicted to video games only I never allowed myself to play WOW because of my addiction that was Everquest a few year earlier. Now I still play the occasional game to relax but they are few and far between. I much rather go out into the real world and kick ass. Ya know…it’s so much more fun and you don’t have to pay monthly to do it 😉
You are one of the few who have taken your gamer char and turned it into reality. Only now your epic weapon is a barbell and your mount is a bike. And you are still kicking ass and taking names.
It is scary in the real world.
It is scary to feel those feelings, especially the ones that sneak up on you.
It is easier to live online where you have such control!
It is scary to let go of habits.
It is scary to give yourself permission to take control.
It is scary to push and push and break boundaries.
It is scary to live like you deserve!!
It is scary.
Someone very brave and very wise, once told me it is scarier never knowing what’s in front of us because what’s behind is holding us back.
Is it scary to realize how awesome you are?!?
Amazing post. I’ve had to deal with my own video game demons. I so would rather be slaying my real life demons as opposed to some computer generated ones.
Just this month I cancelled my MMO. It had been sitting, just incase I needed it. What I needed was that money every month to go towards real life!
Your words could have been mine and I will notgo back. I live in this life now. (hugs)
How / when/ what motivated you to change your path?
I’m not sure if there is one defining moment that caused that lightbulb to go off and that spark to be lit. A few months prior to Dec of 2009 I began reading tyler’s blog over at http://344pounds.com. Honestly I wasn’t even cognizant of how bad my weight problem had gotten. But reading his blog put a bug in my ear that eventually became so loud I couldn’t ignore it any longer. That first step came Dec 29th 2009 when I bought a membership to calorie king and promised myself to not take the elevators any more. From there it sort of snowballed..
You’re helping me kill my demons too Tara! Thank you for continuing to share your journey with those of us still stumbling along in ours.
i’ve done things like this before. I would become someone else online… something I’m exploring in therapy. And the reason why my therapist wants me to have more personal relationships. My blog allows me to be me. 🙂
i love you. You are my hero.
Beautiful post. It’s a tough journey, but I’m so glad you’re here sharing your experience. Incredibly inspiring.
I spent many years hidding in WoW because the real world was scary. I would spend hours every day playing. I did nothing else, I even avoided real life social functions to play. I have not regretted a moment since I uninstalled it from my computers. I have become more active, happier, thinner.
I hope to kill all my demons someday as well, as I stumble along my journey you inspire me to keep going.
You are a rockstar!
You are all those things. And so much more. You beautiful amazing hotass.
I’m a bit behind in my blog reading but I, working through them. Anyhow, I read this post and had to comment.
As you know I was an avid WoW player as well. I never thought of the parallels and comparisons with the personas I had in the game over the years and what I’ve been working to become.
Personally I was wood elf Druid or hunter 95% of the time. I enjoyed running around in form or normally in outdoor arenas or PvP. Much like today I prefer outdoors running or biking at high rates of speed. I’d always hate to fly the bird or teleport prefering to instead take my natural form much as I prefer cycling somewhere over taking the car.
I’m sure I could go on and on and maybe I will in an offshoot post 😉 thanks for making me think back to those days and realize how far I (and you) have come.
Your word are inspiring, I felt that WoW was worthless. That I didn’t learn anything of it. Now I’m only playing games I feel like i’m learning something. it’s nothing wrong to be at the computer I learned. Thanks for the computer I’m living my life. And to understand you maybe have to hear the whole story.