Emotional.
Not in a good way.
In a way I wasn’t expecting.
At a time in my life when there should be much celebration for love found and moments shared it’s been hard to keep my head above the emotional waves. I feel as if I’m being pulled in a multitude of directions and not sure which one is where my head/heart and body should follow. I didn’t expect that spending three weeks with Meegan would have the profound effect it has had on my emotional stability and yet here I am at three in the morning trying to come to some clear understanding of how I’m feeling and how it’s messing with my everyday function…
Making the necessary choices/decisions to stay here in the moment (eat well, work hard physically, stay positive) hasn’t been easy the last couple of weeks. I find myself wanting to turn to food to comfort the 4000 miles between us. I find myself wanting to skip out on going to the gym or breaking a sweat because emotional Tara would rather have a prime seat to her own pity party instead of doing something I’ve come to love and more importantly come to need.
I’m spending more time questioning whether we made the right decision to get married, contemplating how can she possibly love me, focusing on what I believe to be my absolute faults and waiting for the hammer to fall on my head rather than spending time preparing for what is possibly the biggest adventure of my life. Instead of looking forward to being with her as much as possible as I wait for paperwork, interviews and jumping through the little hoops set before me, I’m focused on how much time I’m not with her and it’s causing me to slip into some places I shouldn’t allow myself to go.
Some days are easier than others.
As can be expected.
Other days I wonder when the downpour of emotions is going to stop. Today is one of those days. I just want to get up, go to boxing, head to work and be happy. Instead I’m up after a little bit of sleep and working through my feelings at three in the morning. Not too long ago I would have looked for relief scraping the bottom of an empty ice cream tub or while licking the salt off my fingers polishing off some big bag of chips. I would have looked for relief by turning off my emotions and turning on my computer as I took my World of Warcraft characters through a reality that was closer to what I thought was real than what was truly in front of me…
It’s difficult staying in the moment.
It’s difficult to focus on what’s right in my world when I’ve spent an entire lifetime focused on what’s wrong.
I’m not even sure where this post is going. I should be writing about upcoming races and triathlons. I should be throwing down some words of wisdom, pumping my fist in the air proclaiming “We can do this” and marching head first into the battle ground ready to fight the good fight against my emotions. Instead I’m wondering how in the world am I going to get through today without stuffing my face, having a good cry and not letting that little voice in my head have it’s way with my already compromised state of well being.
I’ll start with a little boxing.
And go from there…
It will pass, you got this! I’m sure the distance is horrible but it will be much better once you get there!
Well. It sounds like you know exactly what to do. Write, not eat. And take it one activity at a time.
I know a lot about what you’re going through. Nothing I can talk about out in the open, but certainly I can identify with your themes of overwhelming emotion, distance, the questions that come when the dust settles, and wanting to turn to old ways.
But you taught me to have the balls to turn to new things. So I’m going to the gym this morning to get a workout in BEFORE I teach a Zumba class later. And I’ll leave the chips in the bag. At the store.
You’ll get there Tara. And then you can tell us all about the McLobster. #dyingtoknowaboutthemclobster
I am a fairly recent lurker on your blog but I have to leave a reply to this quote :
“It’s difficult to focus on what’s right in my world when I’ve spent an entire lifetime focused on what’s wrong.”
This is how I feel right now. I am embarking on a new, scary adventure but one I know is the right one at the right time for me. But that one line explains why I have been so emotional since making the decision to do it. As for tears, I have been trying to let them flow since having a conversation with a friend recently. We were talking about our struggles with weight, and how we were emotional eaters. She said that she has been working towards FEELING her feelings not stuffing them down with food. I have done that all my life, stuffing them down with food. Since then, when I need to cry, I let myself cry if possible. For me, it’s helped a lot with the emotional eating. Now I have to deal with the stress eating.
Boxing is the thing to do, because it helps to work out frustration, and it reminds you of where you are right now, and of what you need to do.
The thing with emotions is, the only way through them is to feel them. Food won’t help, and you know that. Use your turmoil to figure out a path forward, to drive you on the next step of your journey.
You can do it. You can make it through this.
Enough with what you “should” be doing…this post is incredibly valuable just the way it is. Thank you. I’ve been emotional in ways I wasn’t expecting either…stress, even the “good” stress still affects us. I just wrote a blog about it myself!
Tara, even if you have to fight emotional eating today, you are STILL A WARRIOR. You will win the war, even if the battle today is extra hard. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Go get it!
“Should” is such a loaded word. Why shouldn’t you feel just how you’re feeling now? I think the power in this post is that you woke up at 3am and decided to be honest – with yourself and with the world – about how you’re feeling. You DIDN’T try to bury it in a bag of chips or drown it in a tub of ice cream.
The crappy thing is that being in the moment DOES suck sometimes. And making the choice to come here and be real and work through it IS harder than the “easy” way of stuffing your feelings down with food or WoW or whatever. And after a lifetime of dysfunction, I don’t know if/when moments like these will feel any easier to me or to you or to anyone who is in the process of healing from that lifetime of unhealthy choices, self-doubt, and lack-of-self-love.
All that being said, THIS is still better than THAT. You’re not perfect, friend. You are going to struggle. But we all do. And Meegs? I’m pretty sure that THIS RIGHT HERE is a pretty darn big part of why she loves you.
Tara – you are such an inspiration. I have so many of the same feelings day-to-day. And though I don’t have 100 lbs to lose, I too found myself turning to food to deal with emotions for the past 2 years and gained a substantial amount of weight. Only now am I finally dealing with all that and getting my life back.
I am in a wonderful relationship, going on 1 year, and we just moved in together. The funny thing is, I find myself ALWAYS wanting what is next, and not staying happy in the moment. It is easier to deal with life when I am with my boyfriend, but when he’s not around many of those familiar feelings creep back in and I find myself feeling much like your 3 am description.
We are too good to feel inferior. Keep on pushing through. You are changing peoples lives even when you don’t know it.
I have to agree with what has been said so far. The fact that you are facing your feelings, feeling your feelings, talking through them with yourself and the blog world is 100 million times better than trying to shove them down your throat with food. Writing, boxing, feeling that is what you need.
I’ve been in the same situation, after a major life change, feeling doubt and anxiety, especially when the person involved is physically far away so they can’t be there to look in your eyes and comfort you.
You’re a strong woman, a smart woman a POWERFUL and HEALTHY woman, you can do this!
*Hugs*
You are loved. And thank you for the post.
As bloggers we sometimes feel the need to be positive for our readers, but ya know, we owe it to ourselves and them to be truthful.
I, too, struggle with my emotions. And I have moments where it seems so low, so down, that I’ll never get out. And yet, somehow I always do.
I can’t imagine being away from the one you love like you are. [HUGS]
I hope the post comforted you. I hope you found solace in boxing. And I hope you splurged just a little on some ice cream or chips. Cause sometimes comfort food does work 😉 in small portions.
Again [BIG HUGS]
FWIW, this happens to me too after I’ve had a really close connection and then it goes away. Like if my BFF visits, or when my husband (then boyfriend) went home to Norway for 3 weeks. I felt like a body part was missing. For me anyway, I’ve learned through therapy that it’s just residual emotions of abandonment as a child that resurface and get triggered when I feel such an intense connection and then it goes away. It gets all mixed up with other stuff, but it’s just old stuff, like a scar that’s been reinjured. Hang in there. Ride it out; it’ll pass.
Many years ago, my uncle, who was a captain at the fire station where he worked, was on a call for a house fire. He saw that the house was full of smoke, turned to the rookie standing next to him and said, “If you get lost in the smoke, hold onto my coattails. I will get you out.”
Right now, the distance between you and Meegan may often feel like that house full of smoke. You feel like you may be getting lost. It’s easy to lose sight of the direction in which you are headed and to focus on the fact that there are so many miles between you. In those times, hold on to her coattails. Trust in her love for you. In your love for each other. Know that the decision you made to get married is real and wonderful and like you said, the greatest adventure yet. Take one day at a time. One step at a time. And together you will get through. And kick that punching bag’s ass. 🙂
You KNOW what I’m gonna say, right? So I won’t say it. The offer stands.
“would rather have a prime seat to her own pity party…. ”
At least you see it for what it is- have that party! Maybe invite some friends over to celebrate- what the hell, it can’t hurt, right? I believe you are just missing Meegan- terribly! Wait and see- once you get there you’ll wonder just what the hell was this blip all about anyway! Fight the fear!! Love ya, Tara!
The title of this post says it all – “I feel”. Previously it was “I fear”. You’re living in a brave new world and yes, feelings can be painful. But, nothing is actually wrong. You’re missing your spouse, but your love for one another is just as strong while you’re apart as when you’re together. Feel the love. Revel in it. Rejoice in it. Being apart right now is part of your love story, but you will look back at this time in years to come and it will seem like such a short interlude.
By all means, box and cry, but remember to be as kind to yourself in your time of separation as Meegan would be to you when you’re together. You deserve it.
Dear Tara,
You are such an inspiration to anyone who reads your blog. Don’t let the negative emotions get to you. We are all humans and from time to time we will have negative thoughts – in this present moment you are loved and don’t forget about it 😉 Your a great person and I agree with Nicole D – have a party! Invite people – put some upbeat music – and in no time – all is well.
Julia
This love adventure isn’t without its challenges for both of us.
(especially while we’re apart).
But there are two things I know for sure, we can do this and I love you.
(4 days to Vegas) #LAWN
xo