I don’t talk much about my relationship with Meegan. Social media is very important to us. It’s how we met back in 2010. It’s how our friendship blossomed over the following year. It’s how we kept in touch when we were planning the first time we were going to meet in person in April of 2011…
It’s how we fell in love.
It’s how we nurtured our relationship.
I’m much more open about my life on social media (blogging, facebook, twitter). I’m more of the “fuck it” writer. What I feel is what I write. The good. The bad. The very very ugly at times. I rarely edit what I’ve written. I don’t care too much about what others think (opinion wise) because I know that every time I write something, someone else has either a) experienced it b) going through it at the same time c) can relate somehow. I’ve written openly about everything from eating disorders to mental illness to debilitating depression.
Sometimes I put myself out there so much so that I panic. I feel like I can’t keep up with the world around me. While my brain is electronically wired, much like the kids that are given their handheld game boys / playstations and ignored (my mother was infamous for ignoring me), I can feel inside of me when it’s too much. When I would rather look at facebook, twitter and my iPhone instead of being outside getting fresh air or reading the pages of a book I know it’s time to take a break.
Which is exactly what I’ve been doing for a bit.
Taking a break.
Meegan on the other hand is really trying her best to get “honest” on her blog. Put herself out there more. She’s much more reserved when it comes to what she writes about. More concerned about “how it reads” rather than “what I’m feeling”. From the beginning of our friendship I’ve admired her to the point of obsession. Her story, much like mine, is one for the masses. Overcoming debilitating depression, losing 120 pounds, regaining her life and just recently having another life trauma land smack dab in the middle of everything like a big fucking elephant sitting on her chest and trying to figure out how to not only get from under the damn thing but how to move forward once again.
She wrote a blog post the other day: “Hi My Name is Meegan & Like to Fix Things”
That night as we laid in bed she said to me that the blog post made her angsty because it was so personal. I wanted to ask her what she meant by personal but I didn’t have too. I get it. Or at least I get it enough to understand that when we put what we conceive as the “bad parts” of ourselves out in the world, it can be scary. Wondering if we’re going to get judged or thought less of. Wondering if the people that we work with will read it. Wondering if it makes any sense? Wondering if it makes us look weak. Vulnerable…
I read her blog post.
Then I read it again.
and again.
You know when you read something and it sounds like it was written for you or about you? She needed to tell herself that “she’s not broken” but what she doesn’t realize is that she was also telling me that I wasn’t broken. That my feelings are just as important to her and that every emotion no matter how hard, confusing or frustrating it is to feel is validated. She has made a statement that the entire world should be hearing, saying and proclaiming: We Are Not Broken.
WE ARE NOT BROKEN
We can feel like we are. The moments we feel like we can’t take another step forward. The days we can’t seem to do anything right. The weeks we can’t look in the mirror and love who we are. The months we fight inner battles to make good decisions. The years we live in this constant fear of “I am broken and can’t be fixed”.
Take a few moments today of quiet time. I don’t care where you are. Laying in bed. Sitting at your desk. In your car thinking about going into that fast food drive-thru. Close your eyes, lay your hands on your head and say “I am not broken”. Christ wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze the living poop out of yourself and say “I am not broken”.
Cry your eyes out and say “I am not broken”.
Say what is really going on “I’m having a hard time (insert whatever the fuck is going on here) but I am not broken”.
“I want to eat crappy food but I am not broken”.
“I’m scared to lose weight but I am not broken”.
“I’m sad because I miss someone but I am not broken”
That’s the truth right there. We are not broken. Yes we are emotional. Yes we are frustrated. Yes we are having a difficult time keeping our feet moving forward and our spirits in fighting condition. Yes there are days when we feel like we just.cant.do.it.anymore but you know what that’s not being broken. That’s living life. That’s giving every emotion an opportunity to come and go. To feel. To accept and then when the time is right to dust off our knees from what feels like falling and stand tall, head high and fight another day to love who we are.
Make that your mantra for a while…
“I am not broken”
make that your mantra for life.
Your life.
(is not broken)
Thank you. God I love you.
The funny part about my blog post this week is that it sort of came up out of “nowhere”. One of those things that’s on the very forefront of your mind but didn’t think it was “blog-worthy”. Amazing that those are the topics that NEED to be blogged about the most.
You’ve teach me so much. You have made me more comfortable with opening up. You’ve remind me (even this morning) that it’s okay to feel what I need to feel. That being, mad, angry, cranky, sad, just FEELING, are all just as equal to feeling happy. That there are no ‘shoulds’ when it comes to how we feel.
that’s what I mean about us being stronger together. The things we bring to each others lives make us that much stronger again. Thank you for everything, for being my MATE, and for this today.
xo
Your post really hit home today. I’ve been having a rough few months trying to find a job to stay afloat. I think we forget that life is not always sunshine and rainbows. It’s time to dig into the grit and admit that we can overcome it.
Thank you …..both.
We can all feel very comfortable in playing the victim role. Woe is me. What it does is open us up to allowing ourselves to accept our own excuses. It gives us a sense of validation for our thoughts and actions. “I’m hurting, I’m broken. Leave me to my own devices of self inflicted debauchery. It will make me feel better”. We all know that’s not true – it just puts us further into the trenches and makes it even harder to crawl out.
I too have struggled with how much of myself I share in a public way. The bottom line is we’re so conscious of feeling judged based on our historical physical attributes and so used to people dismissing our thoughts, feelings and hell – just the fact we’re even human beings – that we have internalized that and extended it to our thoughts. We’re so used to feeling shame and lack of self confidence based on our outwardly appearance that we extend that to our voice as well. Who will want to listen? Will they judge me based on my thoughts too? We have let others undervalue our thoughts for so long we begin to forget they even are of value.
You know what? Screw that. They speak volumes about who we are and provide too much value to others not to speak out. It is through showing others we share the same thoughts and feelings that we are able to reach out and connect through our shared similarities. That is priceless.
xo
Love the post and needed it…today…and other days I’ll remember this..
I am not broken…
Thanks Tara
I really needed to read this today – I have had a terrible week getting motivated and I was feeling so sorry for myself! I am not broken, I will dust myself off and get back to it! Thank you both – your love and admiration for each other is so special and it’s obvious that you both know how fortunate you are to have one another. Be well!
“I’m sad because I miss someone but I am not broken”
I woke up wanting to cry my eyes out because I miss someone so deeply. Thank you for this post today. XOXO
I don’t remember exactly when I realized it, probably about two years ago, but I am not broken and I don’t need to be fixed. It’s empowering to feel it and to say it out loud.
All I can say is…
I am NOT broken!
Never was.
This was spot on what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
Great great post! I definitely need to work on not defining myself as broken. So very true I’m just living life the best I can and not everything is sunshine and rainbows and that even through the tough times I’m still ok.
[…] Fixing what is NOT broken […]
Thank you so much. You don’t know how much I needed to read this. Or maybe you do.
I like what Stitch (from Lilo & Stitch) says:
“This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.”
For me, broken is a state of being, not a judgment.
My body is broken… my spirit isn’t.