This is Fitbloggin
This is family.
I’m having a hard time trying to get my thoughts together in order to do a “recap” of how I spent the last weekend week driving 1100 miles to see old friends that couldn’t join me in Baltimore, picking up new friends on the way to Baltimore, spending 3 there weren’t enough hours in the days connecting and reconnecting and then repeating that drive back to Halifax.
If you are even the slightest bit a part of the weight loss blogging community you’ve been inundated with the hashtag #Fitbloggin and bombarded with pictures of “OMG look it’s (insert blogger here)” and “So good to be spending time with (insert blogger here)”. The weekend has come and gone and we have returned to our homes. Returned to our “everyday” lives. Returned to the world of building friendships via twitter/facebook/blogging with some of those friendships more solid today than they were just a few short days ago.
This is not the recap of that weekend.
The recaps of the awesome swag bag (insert obligatory thank you to Reebok, McCormick Spices, Weight Watchers, JumpSports, Pure Canadian Maple Syrup, Florida Grapefruit, Got Chocolate Milk?, Beef, Naturemade, American Cancer Society, Eggland’s Best, Popchips, SoyJoy, PuraVit, FitMixer, BistroMD, ZonePerfect, Attune Foods, and BiProUSA) can be found on the Fitbloggin Webpage and each recap will bring a different perspective of what each of us brought home (in our gym bags and in our hearts)…
When I went to Fitbloggin last year, I didn’t know what to expect, who I would have the opportunity to meet and how it would affect me weeks, months a year later. For me it all came down to one pivotal moment. One interaction that defined what fitbloggin meant to me (and what I think it means to a lot other people):
Thinking about that mile walk still makes me tear up. But more importantly it has opened my heart up to look for those “pivotal” moments not at the conference as a whole but in individual interactions. All weekend I waited for that moment. The moment that would solidify once again why I drove for 3 days (with of course the much needed stop over in Boston to see Colleen) and for 3 days it didn’t come.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved EVERY second of Fitbloggin. More so than last year because the nerves of the unexpected were gone. I was seeing old friends and stocking up on the much needed hugs that I had missed for the past 18 months but *that* moment just never came. I was meeting new friends and putting faces to 140 character tweets I had been reading for the past 18 months but *that* moment never came. Our discussion on “When you have a lot to lose” went better than expected and the room was filled with tears and heart felt stories of both triumphs and set backs, but *that* moment never came. Sunday I ran my 5k then turned around and ran the route backwards to cheer people on that were finishing behind me because I wanted people to know that I’m rooting for them and their journeys but again; *that* moment never came. Sunday we said our goodbyes, our last hugs, our “see you on twitter” and “Let’s plan for 2013” and began the long drive back to Halifax…
I woke up Monday morning…
*That* moment was waiting for me.
My friend Steve wrote a blog post titled “Don’t be Me” and at 6:30 Monday morning, tired from lack of sleep and a long day’s drive behind (and ahead) of me, I could barely keep it together as the tears streamed down my face and I read the post to Meegan.
“I say don’t be me, because somewhere inside me, there is damage. The cancer of hate has spread, and it’s causing the support beams to buckle, or the neurons to misfire, or whatever. I’m not to a point where I am completely incapable of experiencing joy, or wonder, but I fear what will happen if the course continues. I know what to do, and on the surface I will try, but then I will falter and give up, because deep down inside there is a part of me that doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.”
“If you feel this is happening to you, or has already happened, please do something about it. Put it out there, because people need to know what is going on with you under whatever sort of front you are putting on, and then get help. I can’t really offer up what kind of help, because I don’t know, and I’m just as lost in all of this as you are, but try anything! Speak to a therapist, or go to a support group, or talk to your pastor, or blog, but do something. But be open, and be honest, because hiding any part of this is like a doctor only removing part of a tumor. Eventually it will grow back, and the cycle will begin again.”
I didn’t need a face to face interaction for that “pivotal” moment to happen. I just needed to read the raw truth about what this journey can do, what it’s about, and how to get the fuck off the proverbial couch and take control of my life. You see some of us go to Fitbloggin because we want the swag or we want to drive more traffic to our blogs. Some of us go to be seen and some of us go so afraid of being seen for the truth of how we truly feel about ourselves that we hide in a facade of what we think is reality.
Steve says to not be like him but I’m begging you to actually be more like him.
He may not have been able to say the things he did to someone in person but he had the courage to put it down in words and then hit one of the most scariest buttons in our journeys: Publish. It probably felt ugly and shameful but it also probably felt incredibly freeing to be so raw that it didn’t matter what anyone thought because in the end the hate you think the world feels towards you is nothing in comparison to the hate you feel inside when you’re looking at yourself in the mirror while the pain from the voices inside are beating you down.
Putting it out there = not alone.
We share stories so that others won’t feel like they are alone in this muddled journey of life changes. It doesn’t matter whether those stories are shared face to face or on your blog. It does’t matter if you managed to share all there is in 140 characters or less or take your heart in your hands and say to the world “Please, I am hurting.”
We are listening.
It was in that early morning moment, tears flowing, snot bubbles forming that my heart reached out to Steve and my fingers penned this reply: “Well fuck. Here it is 6:30 in the morning, the first day after Fitbloggin and I’m crying like a freaking baby and can hardly see the keyboard on my phone to type this out to you. There are so many things I want to say Steve. I can’t eloquently say any of them except this: I get this. Do you hear me? I get this. I can’t tell you how many times I stood in front of the mirror and berated my body for being fat. I would punch my fat and say “you’re so effin ugly” and then hit myself in the head for crying. It was a horrible vicious circle that I allowed myself to be in but didn’t know how to get out of it. I don’t have any words of wisdom on how to get yourself out of it. Deep down inside I believe you already know. But know this my friend, you deserve to get yourself out of that vicious circle. You deserve (no matter how hard or how small the steps feel) to move forward. I have so much respect and admiration for your raw honesty in this post. This is one of those hard steps forward. We all believe in you Steve and will always be here to show you until you can believe in yourself.”
Until you can believe in yourself…
We are here.
I want to help, I want to have the words to help, but I don’t know if I do. I’ve been there, I’ve come through and I want to help. Some day I’ll figure out how.
I read Steve’s blog too…and I felt it in my heart…how I have always felt like that.
I’ve also discovered along the journey that people ask for help in the way they feel comfortable.
Someone came up to me in the cafiteria and did the, I don’t know you, but I’ve noticed that you’ve really lost weight!
Can I ask how you did it? I told her the good, the bad and the ugly of my changes, and gave here diet coaches card.
Go and see one of her introductory classes. Them you can choose if that’s right for you or not.
I think the best thing we can do is to reach down and pull someone else up with us!!
Thanks Steve and Tara for the posts!!❤
There is so much I want to say right now, so many things I want to say to you. I’m finding damn near impossible to articulate what it is though, and I feel like anything I attempt to say not do my feelings any justice. But I will try 🙂
Thank you. Your words, as well as the words of many others, have seriously taken the hardest thing I have ever done (even harder than coming out) and turned it into one of the best decisions of my life. Like I said on Facebook, there was a huge part of me that wanted that post to fade into obscurity, but I’m glad so many have found it, not for the support being thrown my way, but because so many are realizing similar feelings within themselves. it sucks that this feeling or worthlessness and self hatred exist in the first place, but it is awesome to know that none of us are alone in it, which means none of us will be alone in fighting and eventually conquering it.
So again, thank you, for absolutely everything. 🙂
I’m speechless. And crying. Again.
I love our tribe. And also, I need us. I need to the support and I need to do the supporting. It’s the best way to remember that we are not alone.
This….this was an amazing post! You never cease t amaze me Tara.
Steve’s post also got to me. I am so that person right now. I also know I have tons of support!
Thank you!!
<3 #thatisall
This is SO amazing. I feel all of this to my core. That was a beautiful moment and you showed such a wonderful way of supporting a friend. You are ALL so awesome! I feel so honored to be a part of Fitbloggin.
Incredible. Speechless. We give out that love and support and need given back to us. I love our family and I’m so incredibly grateful for it!
I’m speechless too…
But mostly my heart is bursting with love.
I want to be you when I grow up. That is all.
I truly felt sitting in the workshop that you and Meegan ran that i was having a life changing moment. That things would be different now, not because I knew more about myself (I am very aware of all of my crazy), but because I knew now that I wasn’t alone. And that somehow, I would be able to turn to all of these people whom I had just met, and find a shoulder, support, friendship.
Steve, you were so amazingly brave in putting those words out there; I know I thought some of the same things and I’m sure many of us found pieces of ourselves in what you wrote. But your honestly and clarity are out there now, and I hope that you know how much they have helped so many of us out there who are simply not as courageous as you were to put them out into the universe.
Sue said above “I love our tribe.” I’ve said in the days since that I “miss my tribe.” Tara, you said above that this is a family. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have found this place, these people, this tribe where we all can finally feel home.
I heart you. And I heart this post.
I’ve cried so much reading the posts from/related to Fitbloggin. You people are all so amazing. I’m sad I wasn’t there but I’m so grateful this little community exists, for this post and all the ones like it.
Gosh. You nailed it.
Here’s the thing. I had about 5 of those moments. And each one felt like the Universe taking a giant pot and clanging it down on my head. I just don’t know how to process it all fast enough. You and I have talked about this, how anxious I was about going. How I made myself feel oh so small for much of the weekend. Then I’m sitting in Mara, Shauna and Karen’s Self Acceptance session and the tears are rolling down my face. And I’m meeting Tara (@wortheveryounce)and having what felt like my very first “holy crap I’m someone’s rockstar” moment. And I’m standing next to you in our session and trying to choke back tears because there’s so much I wanted to say and couldn’t get it out of my face. And finally we’re laying in the hotel room bed reading Steve’s blog post and it’s like this dam inside me breaks wide open and now there’s all of this stuff rolling around inside my head and I’m not entirely sure where to put it all. Maybe that’s my problem is that I’m looking for somewhere to “put” it. Instead of finding a way to bring it all out.
Things I know: I know I’m incredibly lucky to have you as my mate. I know you are super hero to many (including me). I know I do not have to make myself feel small when I stand next to you and I need to recognize my awesome is what drew you to me in the first place and this goddamn accident didn’t erase that. And mostly, I know I love you. With all my heart, and mind and spirit and soul. xo
I’m not even sure what to write, other than to say “thank you” for your words, but more importantly, thank you for your heart.
I want to hug Steve and you!
His post touched my soul because I know (we all know) what it is to feel like that. You said it best we are not alone.
This is jut plain awesome and I agree with everyone else. You have a gift. This is really an amazing post and well said. Thank you so much for everything that you’ve done for me and what you do for others. You’re an amazing person and I wanted to remind you of that.
THIS is what community is. That’s it. Just love and acceptance and pick you up when you fall and believe in you until you can believe in yourself. And every time I think about not blogging anymore because I can hardly figure out how to shower every day let alone workout regularly let alone blog regularly, I can’t do it. I can’t stop, because I want to be a part of something beautiful and supportive and loving and amazing like this community. So I don’t stop, I just do what I can, and I hope that someday I’ll be able to show love to someone (multiple someones) in a way that is meaningful like how you’ve shown Steve (and so many of us) love and support and kindness.
[…] a messy process I should have dealt when long ago. But now it’s out there. Seeing I’m not alone, I need to see myself differently, and working on it all is the only way to improve is where to […]