A funny thing happened while on this LCJ.
I’ve learned how to live.
One of the most amazing things about waking up one morning and deciding that weighing 263 pounds was not where I wanted to be any longer is figuring out that this stopped being about ONLY losing weight fairly quickly and became more about just living life.
The last time I went on vacation it was to Ohio to visit my friend Michelle back in June. I’d been on this journey for about 5 months and down 50 pounds. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared. I did the best I could with the tools that I had provided myself but in the end I had a major freak out (all internally of course) and ended up purging after one particularly heavy meal. I felt out really out of control after that and was super disappointed in myself. It took a long time to not feel defeated and wondering if I would ever get it right and an even longer time to forgive myself. I came home and vowed never to go anywhere on vacation again.
This week I went to San Francisco.
I was really scared nervous freaked out. I didn’t want to repeat Ohio. I didn’t want to obsess about everything I put in my mouth. I didn’t want to feel like I had to spend hours and hours sweating off some preconceived notion that I was going to come back weighing 263 pounds because I put something in my mouth that I didn’t know the exact calorie / sodium / fat / protein count. I wanted to spend the week just living in my body the way it was meant to be lived in.
Without self loathing.
And you know what? I did it. Yes I thought about food choices, but I ate everything I wanted. I also pushed my plate away when I was full. I ate things that 3 months ago I never even would have allowed myself to THINK about eating.
I did sweat a lot while there but not because I told myself I had to in order to maintain some level of control over the course of the next 5 days. I ran because I wanted too. It was something I was looking forward to when I got up in the morning. Just me and the streets of San Francisco. No pressure. No set distance. No “oh my god I have to run off the (insert food item) I ate last night”. I got to challenge myself running up hills and feeling pretty much like a rock star because the last time I was in San Fran I looked like this:
I ran the streets looking like this:
The best part about sweating while in San Francisco is it only happened while I was running. It didn’t happen just because I was out moving. I walked like a mad man over the course of the five days. I walked up hills. I walked up stairs. I walked block after block after block and it didn’t even phase me. Let me repeat that: IT DIDN’T EVEN PHASE ME.
Don’t get me wrong. There were a few minor bumps in the road. But they were just that: minor. One small panic attack over something non food related was the worst thing that happened. It didn’t even last more than 5 minutes before I was moving on to the next awesome part of my trip. For the first time in my adult life I was out participating in my vacation instead of dreading it.
This LCJ isn’t about just losing weight for me. Yes of course it’s still a major part of my everyday existence but I can be thin and still be depressed and isolated. This journey is about learning to step outside of something I once found comforting (being alone) and doing something I was afraid to do for so long: LIVE!