Life Changes…

Of that there is absolutely no doubt.

It’s what we do in those times of changes that shape us as people, and as weight loss success stories (and sometimes not so much success stories). It’s no secret that over the course of the last 12 months my life has taken some dramatic changes. If you’ve been here a while you’ll know about them (divorce, marriage, losing a home, gaining a new country). If you’re new to this little place known as “A Life Changing Journey” trust me when I tell you who I was is no longer who I am.

Maintenance mode has been my primary focus over the last year. This time last November I was closing in on the 100 pound milestone that I worked so hard during the previous eleven months to reach. I was getting ready to step up to the starting line of my first half marathon and building a friendship that would eventually turn everything I thought I knew about love inside out and upside down. I thought once I reached that pinnacle place in my weight loss journey the proverbial waves of chaos would calm down and I would float through life having learned how to love myself and love my relationship with food…

I thought I was in control of everything.

A year later I know this to not be true.

It would be a lie for me to tell you that maintenance has been easy. It would be a lie for me to tell you that I can joyfully walk into any food situation and feel in absolute control of what goes into my mouth and even more in control of what goes on in my thought process. It would be a lie for me to tell you that I don’t fight the urge to binge and cover up the stresses of life with gooey, sticky, calorie heavy foods.  It would be a lie for me to tell you that once you reach “goal” weight life is like a bowl of low-fat, low-calorie yet still “party in your mouth” delicious ice cream (complete with all the sundae fixins).

I’ve made it through my first year of maintenance.

The journey is nowhere near over.

People ask me how I managed to keep the weight off for the last year and to tell you the truth I’m not really sure I have an answer for that. At least not one specific answer / reason. Can I give you a list of why I think I’ve lost a total of 120 pounds (and then forcing my body to regain 10 before comfortably adjusting to the 160-165 pound range I’ve been at for the last six months)?

Sure…

In fact pull up a seat.

  • I put myself first and foremost. Granted I don’t have any children so this is a little easier for me than many people on their own Life Changing Journeys but the one thing we do have in common is I used to think my needs were not as important as those around me. Everything I wanted out of life took a back seat because I felt I wasn’t worthy enough of having my own dreams. I watched my now ex-husband make the dramatic changes in his life knowing it could put a risk on the survival of our relationship. Yet he went forth because ultimately he needed to be happy with who he saw in the mirror. I knew I needed to do the same thing. It wasn’t his changes that ended the relationship; it was mine. I put myself first and realized that I wasn’t happy and that for the first time in my entire life my happiness was more important than that of anyone else.
  • I remain committed to the changes I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I see what I’ve been able accomplished in just under two years and I am constantly striving to achieve more. I look in the mirror often and study my body. I remember from where I came and look at old pictures. I touch the skin that hangs because of the fat that has left and I also touch the skin that is now filled with muscle. This body is strong. It is fast. It is capable of some amazing feats. But those feats are in the past. Every time I accomplish one thing I am looking forward to the next. Nothing is out of my reach…
  • I also remain committed to the emotional changes I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I allow myself to feel what ever emotions is keeping me company. I do not turn away from myself. I turn into myself and care for me as if I am a close friend. I’ve learned that emotions come and go, ebb and flow and what I feel now is not necessarily what I’m going to feel in five minutes. I truly believe that I deserve to have emotions, that I deserve to feel them and that I deserve to love myself regardless of the emotions that define me in the moment.
  • I allow myself to stumble. This journey is not a smooth path from point A to point B. It is full of bumps and curves and trails that sometimes takes me farther away from my destination than I anticipated. I check in with myself constantly. If I feel like I am not on the path to success then I figure out where I am and get my ass back to where it belongs. I don’t dwell for too long on the mistakes that I *think* I might be making. I dwell on all the things I’m doing right. I dwell on the small changes that I can make that turn into huge changes that turn into life changes.
  • I look to the people in front of me that are where I want to be. I look behind me at the people who want to be where I am. This journey is about sharing, loving each other, motivating each other. This journey is not about having an ego about what I have been able to do but rather about being the ladder to help others climb. I refuse to go back to weighing 270 pounds, being depressed and scared of what I deserve to have. I will not allow other people to go back either. My fight is the fight for everyone. I can’t do that if I go back to where I once was.

I can’t.

(because I deserve this)

You can’t.

(because you deserve this)

#truth

 

9 comments to Life Changes…

  • Best. Post. Ever.

    Love this!! Such an amazing example of what is possible when we love and care for ourselves.

  • jen

    I am so glad you are my friend. I am sitting here trying to NOT freak the fuck out, then I read this and I thought – hmmm, T would say I need to feel the freak out and at least acknowledge those feelings. So, I am going to sit with this freak out so I can work through them….not eat them.

    HUGS and MUCH LOVE!

  • Weight loss is not my issue. But loving myself and trusting myself is. You remind me that it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. It’s nurturing and beneficial. Feeling and accepting the emotions for what they are is vital. Even though it may be hard to face. Thank you for continuing to share your LCJ. Your words speak to my heart so often

  • Thank you for this post. Really needed to read the part about emotions coming and going — having a morning where I want to put my fist through a wall. It relates to putting others’ needs first. It’s so hard to relearn this stuff and sit through the anxiety it produces. Your story and sharing is very, very inspiring. Thanks.

  • Kim

    Thank you for this post. For bringing me a step closer to the understanding that my happiness counts too. Someday I hope to embrace that as you have. 🙂

  • stacy

    As always….so honest, forthright….I have missed reading your blogs for a bit. Life, and its idea of a cruel joke stopped me in my tracks. Litterally. The only good thing about being down was the pain diet always works. For awhile. I reached 194. A place i’d not seen since I was 18years old. But the aftermath…the healing physically wasn’t in place of the emotional healing, the trauma of going from walking, to a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair…the stress, fear, and helplessness I felt because i’d been ground into ash financially. I gained all that i’d lost back. So much dissappointment in myself. At least I let go of the self-hate recently. That’s something.

    I will take some time over the next week or so and read what I’ve missed in your blog. I’ve missed out on so much. I am so sorry I did not have the chance to see your face, to hug you, to cry on you….say goodbye. I know you are where you need to be and that is by far, the most important thing, for you to be near the one you love. I pray M is truly ok, inside and out, after her accident.

    Sending big loves.

  • Miz

    the more I read your words and writings the more I think:
    BOOK PLEASE.

    BOOK.

  • Steph seef

    Book.
    I agree.
    Thank you!

  • YEAH!!!!! What Miz said! BOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oxoxo

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