Direction (or lack there of)…

I often wonder if my time as a weight loss blogger turned marathon/maintenance blogger is coming or should come to an end. How long do I continue to sit down at the laptop and hope that (usually by some miracle) words will form coherently on my fingertips as the chaos of my thought process(es) continue to rattle around in my head.

It was so much easier when my life consisted of counting calories, measuring food servings and desperately fighting my morbidly obese body to get out of bed and move like my life depended on it. It was emotional and of course there were some days where I felt like I just couldn’t keep up with what I was demanding lovingly pushing my body to do but the focus was clear and the determination was fierce.

My life is so full of complexities I’m not sure what direction this blog is supposed to take. I write about struggles with food of which I still battle on a regular basis. I do the product reviews. I run the races (though few and far in between this year) and write the emotional recaps…

But there is so much more.

I don’t eat because I’m trying to lose weight. I eat because I am trying to remain a part of the small percentage of people that after losing weight keep it off. It was much easier when I had a set number of calories, a heart rate monitor to help me estimate how many calories I burned at the gym or on a run and a solid schedule to follow from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. Now I rely on how my clothes fit (or don’t fit) to tell me when I’m on track. A scale isn’t allowed in our house because the thought of stepping on it every day (and quite possibly up to 6 times a day) brings me to tears. I trust in my ability to cook meals at home, using fresh (as organic and local as possible) rather than a prepared frozen meal that I pop in the microwave as I calculate the recommended grams of  protein to fats to carbohydrates.

I also eat because I am emotional.

Bored.

Don’t want to feel left out.

Want to be like everyone else.

Have cravings.

Don’t have cravings but just want to shove something in my piehole.

Lonely.

In pain.

Overwhelmed.

Confused.

Because I can.

It was easier when I could talk myself out of plunging a spoon into a pint of ice cream because for the first time in my adult life I wanted to pronounce to the world I was now considered over weight instead of morbidly obese. It was easier only eating a slice of pizza instead of an entire pizza because I was *this close* to going down another pant size and I wanted to take another picture of all my pant sizes (in descending size order).

Instead of that sometimes encouraging little voice urging me to take the road to Onederland because I deserved to lose the weight, that very same voice whispers “Tara, it’s okay to eat that cake now. Remember you lost 110 pounds. So what if your pants feel a little tighter, they are still a size 10…a size 10!!! Remember when you were wearing a size 24???? In fact, eat a second slice…with some ice cream. Yes you already had some chips, and yes of course you’re full and really want to be done eating but look around you. Everyone else is enjoying the calorie heavy food. Just one bite…”

Just one more bite.

(Maybe you could purge afterwards)

It was easier when I was only conscious of the food I was eating when losing weight. When I was with Mitch it didn’t affect me the way he ate. We were on very different paths and those paths were travelling farther and farther apart. His long hours at work and most of my eating done before I got home didn’t leave much time for shared meals. He had no interest in losing weight and I had no interest in continuing to eat the way I had been.

It was easier when I was living on my own. My world consisted of a bedroom I rented, a cabinet in the kitchen and a few shelves in the refrigerator. Everything I bought and ate was for me and me alone. I didn’t have to worry about whether someone would grow bored of having the same thing for dinner every night for a week. I didn’t have to explain why I was choosing to eat off of a specific list of food items. I didn’t have to think about other people, their food and the emotions that came with what they chose to eat.

I never really knew what it felt like to feel someone else’s pain and struggle. It doesn’t help that having Aspergers means it takes me a really long time to make the connection from what someone is feeling to what actions I should be taking (that is another story and one I still am trying to understand and improve on). But with Meegan I feel her struggle. I see the frustrations that she has with food and the long recovery from being hit by a truck just a few short months ago. I want to stand firm making “healthier” choices but it’s so hard when she is suffering not only from physical pain but also the emotional pain of not being able to move the way she so desperately wants. I see the comfort (albeit so very temporary) certain foods bring her and I don’t want her to be in that place alone.

Even the role of gender was easier when I kept my mind shut to the possibility that there was more gender-variance under my very own skin than I was comfortable acknowledging. When I started working out it was because I wanted to lose weight and that was the focus. Now when I think about working out, it’s not because I want to keep my “girlish” figure but because I want my body to look like a boy. The longer I keep the weight off, the more the idea of gender-variance becomes stronger. In that there is fear and in that fear there is comfort in food…

This blog started out as as a girl trying to lose weight through food and exercise.

But that’s not who I am.

My life isn’t about losing weight.

It’s about trying to make sense of who I am in this relatively new body, living in a relatively new place. It’s about understanding that the struggles of other people affect me profoundly and that my own struggles have become very complex. I need to allow this blog to become all of that without fear of losing readership. Without fear that I’m choosing my words because of what I think people want to read but rather because my words are important no matter who reads them.

I’ve been holding back writing about gender, love, loss, moving on, changing focus and what it’s like living in the moment of who I am because I thought I had to be strict in keeping the focus on food and weight loss. But in reality food and weight loss (or maintenance) are such a small part of the much larger picture. The bigger picture includes other people and my relationship with Meegan. It includes  the freedom to explore gender and what that means for me. It includes making sure I remain in that small percentage of people who lose and maintain a large amount of weight loss.

So we’ll see what happens around these parts. We’ll see if I can relax a little and without fear of opening the laptop because what I want to write about may have nothing to do with what I’m eating but instead about how I felt dressing up in a hot fedora and swanky suspenders. We’ll see if I can open up about loving someone so completely that for the first time I understand what it means when someone says “When you hurt, I hurt too” and finding comfort in food emotionally not because of my own physical pain but because of the pain in someone else. We’ll see if I can open up about Mitch and the loss of that relationship even more than a year later because it still affects me deeply to have hurt someone the way I did (even if it was unintentional).

Don’t get me wrong; the running of races and the epic recaps and reviews will still be here. They are as much a part of who I am as everything else that makes up that handsome looking beast over there.

—–>

(in case you were confused at who I was referring too)

buckle in kids…

10 comments to Direction (or lack there of)…

  • You’ve pretty much articulated everything I’ve been trying to say for a while.

    I think your blog will evolve naturally if you just let it and keep posting what you want, when you want. It gives it extra depth because you’re recalling your journey in your own way.

  • Meegan

    I hate that my struggle affects you so much, but at the same time I know it can’t be helped because I feel your pain the same way and want to share in what you’re moving through as well. I’m learning that our love comes with complexity to our lives that’s worth so much but comes with a learning curve. Somedays I think about how easy it was to eat when I only had to worry about lil’ ol’ me. But having you in my life outweighs any absence of simplicity. I am so deep in the process of trying to heal right now, the constant pain plays havoc with my sanity and I hate that it hurts you, but I can’t imagine where I would be right now without you…
    All of me is eternally grateful for all you do. Including sharing my struggle, making us such amazing meals, and keeping your blog a very real place for your thoughts and feelings.
    All my love…always.

  • You know what Tara? I’ll read your blog no matter what you write about. Because I like you. I like the way you write, I like the way you express yourself. And as different as we may be on the outside, as different as our lives are, as different as our dreams are, I can relate to you. Because in the end, we’re (all) much more alike than we are different.

    Others may decide not to continue reading and that’s okay. Readers come and readers go…it’s the nature of things. I think most good weight loss blogs end up becoming about other things because that’s also the nature of things. We’re not one-dimensional and understanding ourselves on all levels is what helps us stay healthy: mind/body/spirit.

  • MizFit

    I adore your voice. I love how your insights may seem so different from what I’m experiencing and yet you spark ah ha’s for me continually.
    I’ll read whatever you write.

  • I agree with what Karen said. I will read you because you can weave magic with your words, and I would probably read if you decided to do a daily post about dust bunnies. Granted, I don’t comment (on anyone’s blogs) as often as I should, but I do read.

    I say write what works for you. Don’t worry about an audience. I write about horror movies, Power Rangers, and any other geeky thing that crosses my mind. Now granted, my blog has a significantly smaller readership than yours, but since I’ve started showing my true geeky self on my blog, I’ve never had so much fun writing. I believe that a blog should be personal, pertinent, and important to the writer. I’ve stopped reading many blogs when the voice changed because they were trying to write to someone else’s expectation. Write what drives you. Not that you asked for it, but that’s my advice.

  • ahh the weight loss journey it really is about so much more than the number on the scale. I think there is a mental component to it that we often neglect.

  • I’ll read anything you write as well. Maintenance needs to be explored, just like loss. Same yet different. Like you.
    And handsome? Absolutely.

  • Nan C

    Love your blog! You are so real and honest…..please keep it up!

  • Your journey has been about uncovering layers – physically and mentally and now that your physical transformation has been completed you’re focus has shifted to the mental aspect and all the many facets that entails. When we lose weight we sometimes forget that it isn’t solely a physical metamorphosis but so much more than that and the truth is that most of that is only revealed once we have a different perception of our outer being.

    I completely agree with the previous responses in that your voice is unique, interesting, honest and genuine. We’d all read despite the topic. Keep writing no matter what, about whatever you feel drawn to writing about. We’ll be here. xo.

  • Just wanted to say hello! I’m reading your struggles & your journey. I think it’s OK to take this blog any direction you want. I think you’ve made incredible strides in the physical journey, and I’d love to follow along how this is changing your soul/spiritual journey. That’s pretty much where I’m at- working on selfawareness, mindfulness, creativity, nurturing my soul & spirit just as much as my body & physical fitness. Cheers!

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