Last week I did my first guest post over at SeattleRunnerGirl and wrote about never giving up. It seems on a daily basis (actually multiple times per day) I am faced with the decision to either give up or move forward. It can be as simple as making the choice to have a green tea from Starbucks instead of a latte; to as complex as how do I prepare myself for my week-long vacation to San Francisco when I won’t have access to a gym, Godfather, and the comforts of home to keep me on track.
When I took my first steps into this 100+ pound LCJ it was scary. It was intimidating. I had no idea what I was doing. I was pretty much going blindly as I learned about calorie intake vs calories burned. I didn’t make extravagant decisions. I started so small it was kind of a joke to me. I started by taking the stairs up one floor, catching my breath and then taking the elevator up to the next floor. I gave up one diet coke for a glass of water but then drank an extra diet coke at night. I portioned out my food on a scale but when it was little more than a “portion” I ate the rest instead of putting it back. I was making decisions but I wasn’t really committing to them.
Commitment is so hard.
We want to succeed. We want the weight to come off. We want to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at us. We can’t “kind of” make a decision to eat better and then wonder why we ended up eating that third slice of cake at our best friend’s wedding. We can’t “kind of” make a decision to exercise and then wonder why the scale isn’t moving after 10 minutes on the elliptical. We can’t “kind of” make the decision to start again tomorrow and then wonder why tomorrow never seems to come.
At some point in this journey I decided to commit whole heartedly to fight for my life. I didn’t just “kind of” make the decision. I made the decision that a life of depression, isolation and topping the scales at 270 was no longer an option for me. I knew that if I didn’t stand up at the age of 40 and take control of a life that was so full of sadness, loneliness and fear I was never going to stand up.
Every choice I make is about fighting for my life.
It hasn’t been easy. In fact if I knew it was going to be as hard as it has been at some points I might have re-thought this whole journey. I cry on a daily basis because most days I wake up tired and don’t even have the energy to put in my contacts so I can get to the gym. But I commit. I get frustrated every time I go food shopping because right next to the salsa I love to eat with my hard boiled eggs are the delicious doritos that I want to shove in my pie hole. But I commit. I’ve made some choices that led to binging/purging and have more than once had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror but even in those choices I commit. I commit to learning about myself. I commit to being absolutely honest with myself and those that share this journey with me. I commit to taking another step forward so that old behaviors are left to the wayside as I become healthier not only physically but mentally and emotionally.
Where is your commitment today? Are you “kind of” making the decision to move more and eat less. Are you “kind of” waiting for tomorrow to come so that you can start over. “Kind of(s)” don’t work. Period. Only commitment. Commitment to change. Commitment to move. Commitment to stand up and take that first step and never look back. I didn’t think my life was worth it making that commitment…
I proved myself wrong.
Commitment is very hard. Especially for a LCJ like this – because it’s for life. But it’s also a commitment that is totally worth. You are worth it. I am worth it. All of us are worth it. We owe it to ourselves to make this commitment.
Tara, you are – without a doubt – one of the strongest and most committed people I know. I don’t know anybody who spends as much time at the gym as you do, someone who puts in so much effort day after day to make a better life for themselves, to be the best version of themselves they can be. It makes me SO happy to see you be so successful!!
Thanks Brandon.
It is a lifetime commitment. I spent the first 40 pretty much just pissing life away. I’ve got some serious making up to do.
Tara: There you go again talking to me directly. I am beginning to understand how you do it. It is because I am the old you and we kind of think alike. Just like all the other kind ofs that we do. I do the same things now that you did. Since I did sign up to be in your army and you accepted me, I am now going to have to do what you did. As of today, September 2 at 10:19 am, I am no longer going to “kind of” do things, I am recommitting and just doing it…period. No more “kind of” following a food program or “kind of” working out. As I told my trainer last night, why do I always feel like a failure…all the time…well that is because I do it to myself. As I read my posts, I mean your posts, I am slowly beginning to understand – although deep down I think I always understood – I just didn’t do. Thanks for making such a huge difference in my life and p.s. I secretly want to get a tattoo. Love you to pieces girlie. Thanks again.
Theresa
You’re welcome Theresa. It really means a lot to me that my journey resonates with yours. I have a friend whose journey before mine really spoke to me and it would give me so much hope because not only was she where I wanted to be but she was honest in saying it’s not going to be easy even once you get there.
I think the weight loss is the easy part.
It’s the living life that’s the hard part.
AMEN AMEN and AMEN!
100% committed and with you!
I love this post, but it was very frustrating for me to read lol. I am very good at committing to things but I always seem to commit to the wrong things. But I have no problem giving up foods because I truly believe that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
You’re right. Nothing does taste as good as being thin (though I prefer to use the word fit).
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, in awe at your success. I’m 28 years old and weigh 240. I need to change. I need to change for me. I need to change for my husband. I need to change so that I can have children.
You’re an inspiration to me, girlie. Keep it up.
Let me let you in a little secret.
You only need to change for you.
The changes for other people (including future children) will happen automatically when you make yourself a priority.
I really thought this journey was going to be about losing weight but quickly discovered it was way more than just the numbers on the scale. As soon as I made myself a priority, everything just fell into place. Everyone around me changed (for the better).
A funny thing happened on the way to making myself number one in my life: I FOUND A LIFE.
I love this post. You’re using the word “commitment.” For me, it’s “determination.” I always used to think, “How does she have so much motivation?” Or, “Where can I get that kind of willpower?” This LCJ isn’t about those things – because those are EMOTIONS. And emotions change with our mood, our nutrition, and the amount of sleep we get. Commitment and determination are not emotion-based – they are a DECISION we make to put ourselves and our health first in our lives. No matter what. So AMEN to all you said here. Now that I am committed/determined I can look back at the Valerie who was always looking for something magic to spark the *emotion* of wanting change. And I can say, “girl, I’m glad you quit waiting on that spark and started the fire yourself.”
Whoa, great way to look at it.
Commitment and Determination are decision based NOT emotional based!
I need to write that down for sure!
Are you hiding somewhere in my house and spying on me? (’cause if you are, you don’t have to hide. Come out and say hi. :)) But yeah, this post is pretty much written for me. (And based on comments above, to a few more of us.) You are definitely someone to look up to. Since I’ve found your blog, I’ve watched you just metla way. I can’t wait to see what else you’re going to do.
I can’t wait either.
p.s. I was hiding in your closet!
Hello, I’m a newbie to your journal! You’re right, committment is hard. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves why we’re doing this and why it’s worth the fight.
Hi Aimee. Thanks for stopping by. We always have to be reminding ourselves why we’re on this journey. And the most important thing is that we need to remember WE ARE WORTH THE FIGHT!
Me too! Went with my sister to try on wedding dresses last night, and of course, ended up in my own personal hell as we transitioned to looking at bridesmaid dresses. I don’t want to be the fat girl at her wedding in April.
I have to commit now to this journey. No one else is going to do it for me even though I know they are all routing for me. I have to save my own life.
Sarah, from the beginning I’ve looked at this journey as a battle to save my life. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn’t have an event that I was a part of and scared to be the fat girl. I didn’t have my own wedding to plan. I didn’t even have anyone rooting for me (since I didn’t tell anyone lol).
I just wanted to save my own life.
I want you to save your life too. I need you to save your own life. You just tell me how I can help (cause now I’m rooting for you too!)
T – I love this post. It speaks to the very heart of me. I don’t know how or where or why I found the committment and the determination to get me this far. Its almost as though I woke up when I turned 30 and slowly starting edging myself in that direction. Now today I’m all reflective wondering about this commitment of mine that I know now I want to be for the rest of my days, and how this has changed me – who does it make me now. Somedays I’m so sure of it, and then somedays like you said in on my blog earlier I catch myself in the mirror and go “who the hell was that”. Thank you for being a giant inspritation to me and reminding me what committment looks like. Its hard, but its OH SO WORTH IT.
<3 M
If this was just about losing weight I think my commitment would be a little off kilter. But this is about saving our lives and leaving the old person (that was fat yes, but so much more complicated) behind. Shedding the obese self is showing us so much more than just smaller numbers and clothes.
It’s showing us potential for our fitter selves.
Hi Tara, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I’m also working with the Godfather. He’s a great person. I sort-of met you when I walked up to the godfather to tell him I had lost 3lbs. And while you were in the middle of a TRX strap press, you managed to say “Thats awesome!”. That meant a lot to me, and you’re blog inspires me. I’ve been recommending all my friends read it.
So far in the last 3 weeks since I’ve gotten with the godfather I have come down from 217 to 205, and your blog has helped me keep motivated, thanks!
Kyle! That’s fantastic!!!!!!!!!
Wow, that is really fantastic!
Oh man you just made my day with this.
If you see me at the gym (at the crack ass of dawn) you come up to me for sure. I’ve got a high five with your name on it!
I’ve been a lurker on your blog for quite some time, but today’s post pulled me out.
This particular part of your post . . . .
“It hasn’t been easy. In fact if I knew it was going to be as hard as it has been at some points I might have re-thought this whole journey. I cry on a daily basis because most days I wake up tired. . .”
was a total wake-up call to me. I cannot count the number of times I have allowed “it’s so hard,” and “I’m so tired,” to make me fail.
I am often afraid people will think this journey has been a walk in the park for me. Like I just got up one day and *poof* the weight came off. That’s why I have to be so damn honest in my blog because it’s anything but a walk in the park.
Oh unless your park is full of walls to crash in to, doubts to overcome, darkness to stumble through and the occasional dog bomb. Then it’s been a walk in the park for sure!
It is hard.
We are tired.
But we move forward.
And we live!
I’ve never said this to anybody before……Will you be my guru? I’ve read all of 2 of your posts and I have you in my reader now and I’m looking forward to going back and reading other posts of yours. Seriously, maybe at least my friend ? 🙂
Hello friend.
I can’t be your guru but I can walk side by side with you as you travel your journey. You just tell me how I can help.