“When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable” ~ Walt Disney
I write that quote first thing because I am living with some serious mental blockage. You’d think after being on this journey for almost 7 months the proverbial brick wall would be coming down but I woke up this morning feeling like someone added another layer to it.
As my body changes shape (getting thinner) and I start to notice more muscles coming through (getting stronger) I also spend more time focused on what else is still there: loose skin. I don’t like it at all. I don’t really like the way my stomach feels (skin wise) and I definitely don’t like the way my thighs look. I’m having a hard time not being negative about what my body looks like today even though I don’t weigh 263 pounds anymore and I am stronger right now in my life than I’ve been in the 40 years that I’ve walked this earth.
I want to be strong, fit, fast and at my goal weight of 170 and I want it to happen right now. I know, I know slow and steady wins the race but try telling that to my loose, feels like aunt bettie’s underarm gibblet, skin.
Today I woke up weighing the same as I did yesterday. Same as I did two days ago. Same as I did on Saturday. I didn’t feel fat on those days. Today I woke up feeling fat and unhappy. The mind has a wonderful way of sinking it’s teeth right into you at the first sign of negativity. It didn’t take too long for rest of me to catch up with that negativity and for the first time since I started working out with a trainer, I thought about canceling. I didn’t want to go and sweat in front of other people. I didn’t want to go and look at myself in the mirror wearing a swim suit. I didn’t want Godfather to tell me to jump on that red box. I wanted to crawl back into bed and just forget about this journey.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am a stickler for keeping appointments.
I went. In fact, it was pretty awesome. There were some parts that I struggled through. I had to look in the mirror a few times while doing squats and the face staring back at me was not thinking the best of thoughts about what my body looked like. Godfather did want me to jump on the red box. He wouldn’t let me leave until I got up there and it took me 30 minutes to battle the “I can’t” and get over to the “I can”. He did this really wicked (and by wicked I mean mind boggling) thing after watching me stand in front of the red box and contemplate why I couldn’t convince myself to jump. He stood in front of me and told me to put my arms out and not let him push them down. I did. He pushed but I didn’t really waver. Then (with the declaration that what he was about to say was not true but to listen) he said the following words to me:
You’re lazy
You’re fat
You’ll never be strong
Then he told me to put my arms up and BAM he just pushed them down like it was the easiest thing in the world. He then said (with the declaration that everything he was about to say was true, to look him in the eyes and to listen) the following words:
You’re stong
I care about you
You deserve this
Up go my arms and sure enough, he can’t push them down. I was letting myself think all those negative thoughts and they were keeping me from getting on the box. I didn’t jump up right away in a fit of super human power. In fact it took another 15 minutes of serious mental work to jump and jump high enough to land my feet.
So I struggled today at the gym but like I said, it was awesome. At one point Godfather gets down on the floor with me and does everything that I’m doing. How awesome is it to look over while doing “I think I’m going to throw up” crunches and see your trainer doing the same thing? You can’t give up or slow down when you totally want to kick the ass of your trainer and show them who’s boss (he’s still the boss!). I walked away from our session, out of breath and a little irritated with myself. But I also walked away with something else…
One brick out of that wall.
I don’t know where you are on this journey. I don’t know how high your brick wall is or even if you have one. Whatever it is you are trying to accomplish it must be done with every fiber and you must believe. There are going to be days where you just want to crawl into some dark hole and hope that no one notices that you’re gone. You’re going to look in the mirror and wonder if you’ll ever make it. You’re going to wonder if it’s all worth it. You’re going to try to convince yourself you’ll start again tomorrow. Some days you’re going to stand in front of your red box and wonder if you can…
The answer is yes.
You can.
You will.
Right now.
This whole post gave me goose bumps. The Godfather was just what you needed today. Major reminder about the power of positive thinking. You can do this T. Loose skin is like a battle scar. Its a reminder of where we’ve battled our way back from. I’m teaching myself to accept it. And over time that too will change. Much love from me over here – so much pride for you and what you’ve accomplished.
Wow, the Godfather is the real deal. He sounds absolutely fantastic, as do you. I’m always so impressed by what you accomplish.
Sounds like you have a fantastic trainer! It is amazing how our negative thinking can take hold and have such power over us sometimes.
I happened across your blog while reading some that I follow. Glad I stopped by and I will be visiting again. If you get a chance feel free to stop by my blog and say hello.
Tara, I am having a hard time dealing with my loose skin too, but I like what Meegan says. It’s a battle scar. we are in this fight for real!
It’s amazing that for so many of us the journey begins (or is maintained) by people who tell us that we can. Our self-doubt is so deeply engrained in our minds, that it takes someone who has BEEN THERE and DONE THAT to tell us that we are stronger than we know, that we are more capable than we know, and we deserve all the pain, soreness, and sweat because the reward is just so great.
Bravado in times of doubt… It’s undeniable.
As for the loose skin, it’s okay. Like Ed said, it’s a battle scar. It’s part of the story of who we are and what we’re doing. Find a way to be proud of it.
Okay, this calls for bullet points.
– You’re 40? I totally thought you were my age. Which is not that far behind (34).
– Good for you for fighting through the negativity and getting up for your training sesh. I don’t always succeed at that, but I am getting better every day.
– GOOD FOR GODFATHER! I am SO impressed with him from hearing you talk about him. Can I be totally forward and invite myself down for a workout with him sometime? Even though I’m not a member of All Star anymore?
– AMEN for making the jump! Your description of how Godfather was able to influence you PHYSICALLY just using words gave me the shivers. It’s a reminder that WORDS HAVE POWER. So I hope you’re going to keep saying good, kind, strong words to yourself. If you ever need help shutting up the crappy words, let me know. I can give them a ninja-lawyer-bitch-slap the likes of which will leave them smarting for a lonnnngg time.
Keep it up, rock star!
The power of the negative and the positive self talk is amazing and has really struck me today.
You know, you always read those pop-psych things that talk about affirmations, etc. Look at the power that this just demonstrated with the strength of your arms.
Your post was very inspirational to me today.
Good thoughts
I loved this whole post.
All of it.
If you don’t mind, I’ll link to it tonight from my blog.
It needs to be read. NOt only by me,but many many people.