3.1 / Superman / emotional gunk…

*Disclaimer – I am extremely emotional today. It’s a combination of TOM and my morning session with Superman. That being said, what I write at the moment is just how I’m feeling. If I could crawl back into bed and cry myself a river of waaaa waaaa waaaa’s I would. I can’t so I’m gonna write about here and see if I can get my shit together…

3.1

I started running at the end of January. I couldn’t run a block without wondering where the nearest hospital was so they could put my lung back or whether or not someone would get mad if I threw up on their manicured lawn.  Each time I ran I wondered if it would get easier or if I could go farther. I spent countless hours wondering how I was going to go 3 minutes without stopping.

Then it was 5 minutes…

Then 8 minutes…

20 minutes…

Until finally 10 weeks later I hit the 30 minute mark.

I had graduated the c25k program but I still hadn’t reached the 3.1 mile mark. I started with another running program that takes you from 5k to 8k not because I want to run a 8k (which I do) but because I wanted the longer music intervals to help me build up to 3.1 miles.

Last week I got all the way up to 2.81 miles. I thought I was going to throw up (and I almost did). I could feel that 3.1 mile mark just out of my reach. I needed to get there just so I can stop thinking about it. My first 5k isn’t slated until June 12th but I need to get past that distance now so it wouldn’t weigh so heavily on the back of my mind.

Sunday I woke up with a goal and that goal was reach 3.1 miles and run for most of it. I’m alright with running a certain amount of minutes and walking for one. This will probably be my usual practice once I find a comfortable pace and for now the podrunner program has me running for 8 minutes and walking for one.

I start…

It felt good to be outside running. It was early enough on a Sunday morning that my little city hadn’t even started to stir yet. I think I’m running faster this week than I was last week. I know I’m zoning off a lot more than I was before. There was nothing to think about until I came to the cool down portion of podrunner. The whole podcast lasts about 46 minutes and minus the warm up I had 41 minutes to run a 5k. I knew it wasn’t going to happen so I would have to really push myself to run during the cool down and if necessary keep going after the podcast was finished.

Cool down came and went and I was still running.

I was so close. I wanted to stop. I wanted to tell myself that maybe next week would be better. I could see the end ahead of me. Less than half a mile.  It wasn’t as close as I wanted it to be but at least I could see it. I’m frustrated. I walk for 30 seconds just to get my thoughts together and reconfirm why I’m doing this. I’m changing my life. I’m trying to be a healthier person. I don’t want to be fat any more. I don’t want to be 100 pounds over weight. I don’t want to sit in front of the computer for hours thinking about what could have been…I want to find out for myself.

I push through that last couple of blocks and before I know it I’m running past the point where I started 50 minutes earlier and know to be 3.1 miles. I run an extra block and then like usual break down and cry.

I had just run my first 5k. I don’t need to obsess about whether or not I’ll ever be able to run 3.1 miles before June 12th.

I did.

I can.

I will.

June 12th is a long time from now. There is plenty of time for improvement. 50 minutes is a long time (with 4 one minute walking intervals) to do a 5k. It’s a vast improvement over what I was doing 3 months ago (NOTHING!) and if I can do this now…

Superman

Today was date #2 with Superman. He took me through the weight machines this morning and all I can say is I’m going to be sore tomorrow. There are few times in my life when I encounter something that I can’t take head on and be victorious. Even in my weight loss journey thus far I’ve been very successful and in that gotten sort of cocky about what I have done in the past 3 months.

Today he brought me down a notch and didn’t even realize it.

I got there early to warm up before our appointment. Do you remember the star pupil in your classroom? The one who always had the best looking papers or who always went the extra mile just to please the teacher? Yhea that’s me…so warm up is done before we get started just so I can have the extra 5 minutes of training. I know how to get on the elliptical for 5 minutes by myself. I don’t know how to lose 100 pounds alone and that’s what I need him for.

He starts me off with leg presses. 45 pounds on each side…10 reps. Break. Add another 45 pound weight just to one side, repeat 10 reps. Break. Add additional 45 pound weight to other side, 10 reps.

I am already on the verge tears.

In the face of fear or something emotional I tend to use humor as a cover. So you can pretty much assume this session was a barrel of monkeys the way I was joking with him.  At one point he gives me a weight bar for bicep curls and I ask him how much they weigh:

Superman: “20 pounds“

Me: “Okay next time tell me they weight 300 pounds so I can feel like a super hero”

He grabs the 30 pound weight bar:

Superman: “That 20 pound bar was too light, here take this 300 pound bar and show me what you got”

– you can see why I like this guy right?

Throughout the hour I am afraid I won’t be able to do what he asks me to do. I keep getting to the breaking point and I don’t hear him say “one more”. He must know what he’s doing because every time I feel like I’m going to drop whatever I’m holding he then gives me the “one more” and of course I can’t resist pushing back.

There were numerous times I was grateful that when he said “take a break” he walked away from me.  I needed that time to cover my face with my sweaty baseball cap and contemplate what the hell I was thinking.

And cry.

It hurt like hell today.

The last thing we did was this weird contraption:

It was this that put me over the edge.  I could do the sit ups, leg presses, calf presses, bicep curls, behind the head thingamajiggies…It hurt like hell. I wanted to throw up but I went until I heard him say “one more” and that’s just what I gave him.

This I couldn’t do.

I did the first three knee lifts and just about lost it. I had to beg myself to take my feet off the foot rest when he said “again”.

I did two more and had to put my feet up on the rest again. I know Superman knew I was trying my best. It was me I was fighting. He wasn’t disappointed. I was. He knows what lies ahead for me. I don’t. I just wanted the session to end because I hurt, I was embarrassed for being fat and I felt like all the hard work I’ve put into myself the last three months had just come to a screeching halt.

I had just hit a brick wall and I was not prepared.

He did say “one more” and I gave it to him. I even high fived him after we were done and said “Thank you Sir, see you on Thursday”. I went to the locker room and cried.

Mostly out of frustration.

I have come a long way. I’m doing things now that I haven’t done since high school. I’m doing things that I couldn’t even do in high school. Today’s lesson was that while I’ve come a long way, the road ahead is still very long.

It’s almost like that feeling of cresting a hill and thinking you’re at the top only to discover the mountain range in front of you. You’re too afraid to move forward but can’t go back down the hill because there is absolutely nothing there. That is where I am today and that’s why I’m writing about emotional gunk..

I seriously thought I had started ascending the mountain 3 months ago.

I had just crested a hill.

I’m not contemplating quitting or running out to my favorite Chinese restaurant and consuming a 3000 calorie meal. I’m not thinking about skipping a workout or only doing a half-assed job of it tomorrow. I’m going to swim tomorrow and swim like a damn dolphin. I’m not thinking “what’s the point” of all this. I know the point. I have a life to live and it does not include anything but moving in the right direction.

Superman humbled me today.

I am thankful.